Reachers and Settlers
In every relationship, there is a Reacher and a Settler. The Reacher is the one who has landed a mate who is in the upper end of their acquirability range, possibly even out of their league. The Settler is the one who has chosen someone in the lower end of their range, knowing full well that they could do better but choosing to go with a lesser catch. Because the Reacher knows that their grasp is tenuous, they are frequently jealous of other potential suitors, while the Settler tends to not be jealous, knowing that the Reacher is unlikely to find anyone better. Supposedly, Marshall is the Reacher in his relationship with Lily, although Lily's violent jealousy confuses the matter somewhat. (Note: If you are in a relationship, it is not wise to discuss who is the Reacher and who is the Settler. That way leads to hurt feelings.)
The Perfect Week
Barney has slept with a lot of women, and while that number has been valued as low as 200 and as high as 1,000, he has never completed a "perfect week": seven women in seven days, no rejections. It's similar to a perfect game, in which a baseball pitcher throws a no-hitter, and is equally susceptible to jinxing, which is why one doesn't mention the perfect week during a perfect week. Despite a double jinx -- a "perfect week" from Lily and a "jinx" from Marshall -- and the arrival of a game-killing actual, professional baseball player, Barney still managed to complete the perfect week, and his necktie was retired.
Rabbit/Duck Confusion
Because the parts of the brain that feel love and hate are right next to each other (or so we've heard anecdotally), love can often be mistaken for hatred, and someone you think you loathe could be the love of your life. Ted compares it to the famous image of a duck, which, if you look at it a certain way, resembles a rabbit; one picture, looked at two different ways, can be two different things. (Whether the rabbit is the thing you love or the thing you hate is up to the individual.) Robin thinks she hates Don, but when the pantsless cad is compared to a famous, eponymous duck -- in this scenario, the duck is good -- she has second thoughts.
Superdate
A superdate is a date that compresses 17 dates worth of spectacle into one date, thereby making it possible to sleep with a woman who would normally enforce the full 17-date waiting period. Such a date should include at least five different memorable-date moments, including dinner at a fancy restaurant, a horse-drawn carriage ride, ice skating, the opera and fireworks. Barney was going to use a superdate to land an unattainable self-help book author, but he instead gave the date to Robin and her co-anchor/love interest Don.
On the Hook
When one attempts to steer a potential romantic conquest back to one's apartment, one uses "bait." That bait may be a record collection (Ted), a rap poster (Marshall), a slot machine, a trampoline or a teacup pig (all Barney), but whatever it is, it is designed to lure the object of desire and perhaps get them "on the hook," i.e. romantically interested. However, if someone is on the hook and their romantic feelings are not reciprocated, the "hookee" is doomed to stay on the hook until the "hooker" either reels them in (initiates a relationship), or throws them back in the water (spells out their lack of interest). To keep the hookee on the hook, perhaps as a "safety," the hooker will often say they can't be a couple "right now," implying a future in which them being together is a possibility.
The Window
When pursuing someone who's in a relationship (assuming one does not want to be a homewrecker), one must initiate contact after the relationship ends, but before they have a chance to meet someone else and fall in love. This is known as "the window." The window varies in size, but can be quite small, if the person is cute enough and not particularly independent. And you need to keep in mind that you will not be the only person trying to get through that window. So it's best to move in on them as soon as they're single, even if it has to be done like a thief in the night. In Ted's case, he even paid a girl's neighbor to keep him apprised of the window, and yet he was still unable to get in there. Classic Ted.
MILSWANCA
Barney no longer likes to use the term "MILF." It's so passé, and, frankly, it's a little crass. If he's going to make hurtful comments about how he wishes to engage in sexual congress with a woman who has created life, he's going to do it clearly and respectfully, so that there is no assumption of a relationship. When you call someone a "Mother I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again," at least their children know that they aren't getting a new daddy.
Bagpipes
When Ted tells his kids stories about his young life, he tends to skim over details. So when describing the loud noises coming from the bedroom of the apartment upstairs, Ted thought it best to refer to them as "bagpipes," an accurate analogy for the noises' loudness and level of annoyance. Now a convenient shorthand for "intercourse," "bagpipes" can also be used as an exclamation, as in "Shut the bagpipes up!"
New Relationship Syndrome
Also called "New Relationship Smugness," this is the pattern of behavior demonstrated by new couples who think that they have relationships figured out because they live in a world free of conflict. Upon witnessing a couple that argues or disagrees with each other in any way, they immediately assume that that relationship is "in trouble" and try to fix it. Barney and Robin felt that way when they heard about Marshall and Lily's differing dishwashing philosophies, but then, we all know how long their relationship lasted, don't we?
The Playbook
Barney lies a lot in order to get laid. Some of those lies are more complicated -- and more successful -- than others, and therefore the exact steps of the ruse need to be laid out in book form. Enter "The Playbook," which contains all of Barney's greatest maneuvers, including the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn (impersonate a well-endowed balloonist), the Don't Drink That (save girl from nonexistent roofie), the Mrs. Stinsfire (cross-dress in a sorority), the SNASA (work for "Secret NASA"), the Cheap Trick (impersonate a bassist), the He's Not Coming (browse roof of the Empire State Building), the Ted Mosby (pretend you've been left at the altar; not to be confused with the Mosby), the My Penis Grants Wishes (self explanatory) and the SCUBA Diver, which involves deceiving your friends and faking shame, and is too complicated to get into here.
The Mosby
So you say there's someone who's interested in you, but you're not interested in them? Marshall has a surefire way to get them to back off, quick. It's called "The Mosby," named for Ted Mosby, who, on his first date with Robin, declared his love for her, thereby causing Robin to slow things down immediately. The two wouldn't date again for the rest of the season. So when Robin needed a way to let a smitten Barney down easily, all she had to do was tell him she loved him, and he immediately lost interest. Mosbied! Granted, that would probably only work on Barney, who typically sees declarations of affection (even his own) as a sign of weakness.
Doppelganger
The MacLaren's gang has so far spotted doppelgangers for three out of five of its members. Robin's doppelganger is a short-haired lesbian seen walking in the street with a softball glove. Marshall's is a mustachioed Spanish-language lawyer named "Senor Justicia" who advertises on the sides of buses. And Lily's double is a stripper of Eastern European extraction named Jasmine. We expect to see the other two in due time.
The Sexless Innkeeper
When Ted brings home a girl from MacLaren's, she dozes off on his couch, and he decides to let her sleep there for the night. The next morning, she departs for her home in Westchester without so much as a by-your-leave. While Ted fully expects her to call him, Barney is confident that Ted has just been made a Sexless Innkeeper. When Barney (and, possibly, his ancestor, Barnabus Stinson) once found himself friendless at a remote Queens bar near closing time, and the cabs had stopped running, he cast about for any port in a storm. Finding a desperate woman, he asked to go back to her place, and, once there, promptly curled up on the couch and went to sleep.
Old King Clancy
A Canadian Sex Act involving maple syrup, which Robin used to proposition the Frozen Snowshoe, a professional wrestler from north of the border, after he showed her his collection of Harvey's trays. (A blatant come-on if there ever was one.) Other Canadian Sex Acts include the Sloppy Dog Sled, the Newfoundland Lobster Trap, the Full Mountie, the Sneaky Snow Plow, the Greasy Kayak, the Squatting Eskimo, the Sticky Flapjack, the Musty Goaltender, the Saskatoon Totem Pole and the Montreal Meat Pie. We know what a couple of them are; the rest we don't want to know.
Front Porch Test
Whenever Ted's been dating a girl for a while, Lily subjects her to the Front Porch Test, in which Lily imagines herself, Marshall, Ted and the girl sitting on the porch of their beach house in their 70s. If Lily can't see it happening, she does what she has to do to split Ted and the girl up. After manipulating Ted to dump a string of girls in college, Lily planted an earring in Ted's bed to get Karen to dump him, then admitted to having kinda-sorta encouraged Ted and Robin to have the talk that led to them breaking up.
Murtaugh List
Everybody knows what a bucket list is -- it's the list of things you want to do before you die. A Murtaugh list is the exact opposite -- it's a list of things you have to stop doing, right now, before you die. Named after Sgt. Roger Murtaugh of the Lethal Weapon franchise, these are the things that make you say, "I'm too old for this gooseberry fool stuff." Ted's Murtaugh list includes doing an all-nighter, going to a rave, sleeping on a futon, piercing your own ear and TP'ing a laser tag establishment, a list that Barney actually makes it nearly all the way through in 24 hours, although he comes out a little worse for the wear
"Reading a Magazine"
Marshall has a problem. He doesn't like... "reading a magazine" with other people around. No big deal, it happens to all of us. But he really doesn't like it. In fact, he would rather go all the way to his and Ted's old apartment to "read a magazine" (not to Dowisetrepla, that would be ridiculous) than use his office bathroom. Because everyone he works with can see him bringing the magazine in there, and they know what he's going to do: He's gonna take a crap. (No, Barney, he's not going to masturbate.) Luckily, Marshall got over it, and eventually learned to "read a magazine" with pride. Hopefully, the magazines have stopped speaking to him, too. No, not "magazines." Just regular magazines. That would be gross.
Encyclopædia
As a graduate of Wesleyan University -- "The Independent Ivy" -- Ted can be a little pretentious. So when he manages to score a vintage set of the 1986 World Book Encyclopædia (the one he grew up with) at a flea market, he insists on pronouncing it as if it were "EncycloPAYdia." He went on at such length about it that his friends were forced to stage an intervention for him and tell him to cut it out. According to Robin, saying "encycloPAYdia" makes Ted sound "douchey," which is not to be pronounced "douCHAY." Sadly, it was not the last word whose pronunciation Ted would butcher in the pursuit of snobbery (see "Medieval," "Renaissance" and "bruschetta").
Dowisetrepla
New York has many great neighborhoods. SoHo ("South of Houston Street"). Tribeca ("Triangle Below Canal Street"). Dumbo (Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass"). But lesser known is the neighborhood known as "Dowisetrepla." When Marshall and Lily decide to move out of the apartment they share with Ted and get their own place, the first place they look at is in this up-and-coming neighborhood, and they love it. It's way too expensive for them, but over the course of a few weekends, they decide to get it, even though they aren't quite sure what the name stands for. Finally, after all is said and done, they come back to their new home during the week, and find out that the whole neighborhood stinks to high heaven. The name stands for "Downwind of the Sewage Treatment Plant," which is shut down on weekends. Luckily, they both have 9-5 jobs elsewhere.
Possimpible
Fun Fact: Barney is the master of the video resume, and one of the most important lessons he would teach anyone looking to create one is to make up a word. It shows initiative, especially if it sounds business-like. There are many ways to go -- connectitude, transformatation, linkativity -- but Barney's masterpiece is "possimpible." The Possimpible is the place beyond the impossible, where the possible and the impossible meet, and it's where Barney has dared to go his entire life. As he says in his video resume, "Nothing... and everything... is possimpible." Of course, all of Barney's friends think he's insane-ulous, but who's the one with the high-paying job at Goliath National Bank?
The Naked Man
When a man is on a first date, he can tell whether or not there will be a second date, based on how attractive the woman is, how attractive he is and what sort of chemistry exists. Now, if a man finds himself in a losing situation, he can do two things: he can accept it, see the date to its conclusion, say good-bye and never see that woman again, or he can go for it. All or nothing. Cards on the table. One of Robin's dates chooses the latter. He chooses the Naked Man. When Robin is out of the room, he takes off all of his clothes and presents himself to her upon her return. There are a variety of poses to choose from (the Thinker, the Heisman, the Captain Morgan), and it supposedly works two out of three times. When it works on Robin, the rest of the MacLaren gang decide to try it out. Ted uses it successfully on a girl he doesn't want to take things further with, Lily pulls a Naked Woman on Marshall and ends an argument, and Barney... is thrown out of his disgusted date's apartment without his clothes, wallet or cell phone. Naked man on the street!
Woo Girl
When Lily agreed to go out with a co-worker of hers and get a drink at a cowgirl bar, she had no idea that the woman was a Woo Girl -- that is, a woman who, when excited about something, raises her hand (or hands) or drink (or drinks) above her head and yells "Woooo!" They can be excited about pretty much anything -- it doesn't need to be particularly important, or even something anyone should be proud of. Woo Girls usually travel in packs, and "woo" in unison. Lily is further shocked when she finds out that Robin is also a Woo Girl, and finds herself being left out of Woo Girl gatherings. Lily then tries to be a Woo Girl, too, but Robin points out that she does not "Woo."
Bad Decision Juice
Ladies, as much as we love Barney, we have to say that he is a Bad Decision. He is callous, he is insensitive, and he is only interested in getting into your pants, and while he plays a pretty good game, any sober, semi-intelligent girl can spot it a mile away. However, once you introduce alcohol into the mix, all bets are off, and you are in the position to make a Bad Decision. Hence Lily's term for alcohol, especially when spotted in the hands of a sexy blonde, which she mistakenly believes to be Barney's type. (It's actually Asian, with some boob, although we rarely see him with Asian women.) Of course, if you're just looking for someone for the night, someone with washboard abs, good hygiene and a lifetime of skills in the bedroom, then he's your man, and you have made a Good Decision.
The Bro Code
A text dating back to the American Revolution and penned by Barney's ancestor Barnabas Stinson, the code is best-known for its first rule, "Bros before hos," but its bylaws comprise so much more than that. Rules like "A bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight" and "Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's three-way" (a three-way with two bros) have defined bro-to-bro conduct for over 200 years, and Barney, Ted and Marshall have adhered to them religiously. ...Well, except for that time Barney slept with Ted's ex-girlfriend Robin, which definitely violates the first rule in an abstract way, and probably violates several more of the rules in very literal ways. We still don't know all of the rules of the Code, but hopefully, someday, Tom Hanks will discover a giant combination lock that reveals the rest of them... if the Freemasons don't get to him first.
Legen...dary
Barney uses the word "legendary" to describe parties, get-togethers and nights-on-the-town, and everyone can agree that he uses it far too much. He often busts it out to describe scenarios that are decidedly less-than-legendary (such as building an igloo in Central Park), and promises of "legendary" evenings often fail to deliver. (One "legendary" booty jaunt to Philadelphia was narrowly saved from un-legendary status by the licking of the Liberty Bell.) A dramatic pause in the middle of the word can only increase already-doomed expectations, especially when the pause is filled with phrases like "Wait for it" and "I hope you're not lactose intolerant, because the next word is." Barney, in his defense, will say that the night as a whole needs to be taken into consideration; leaving a party after the "le," but before the "gen," "da" and "ry" can lead to disappointment and, often, hurt feelings (usually on Barney's part).
Suit Up!
If Barney were to give only one piece of advice -- and this is pure speculation, because the man gives advice about everything, whether it's asked for or not -- it would be to get a suit. Suits make you look cool and responsible, and that's why Barney always asks Ted to "Suit up!" before they go out to a bar. Unfortunately, Ted rarely listens, and when he does it's usually just a blazer, which is not a suit. The phrase can also be modified to describe the specific suit needed for a given event, as in "Snowsuit up!" (used when Barney was building the aforementioned igloo), "Flightsuit up!" (when Barney needed a wingman for his Top Gun Halloween costume) and "Penguin suit up!" (another Barney Halloween costume; he goes through about three a night).
Lawyered!
Marshall was often left out of the single-guy adventures of Ted and Barney -- not just because he was lucky enough to hook up with Lily in his freshman year at college and hang onto her for over nine years, but because he was studying to be a lawyer, which required a lot of late nights, heavy books and long research papers. However, his finely honed analytic mind gives him an advantage over the others, allowing him to see gaps in logic and to solve mysteries beyond the ken of an architect and... whatever it is that Barney does. Hence the rise of Marshall's lone catchphrase, "Lawyered!" While not as ubiquitous as "Suit up," he did put it to great use in proving that prostitution was not, in fact, the world's oldest profession. (It was fishing -- after all, where did cavemen get the fish to pay the prostitutes with?)
Lemon Law of Dating
Most people in America are familiar with the Lemon Law, which protects you if you've recently purchased a car and subsequently found it to be not worth the cost of the floor mats. But it was Barney (of course) who advanced the idea of a Lemon Law of Dating, after going on one too many dates with girls he'd like to "take back to the dealer" after only five minutes. Hoping it would catch on and "become a thing," Barney Lemon-Lawed several girls in quick succession (including one for having a Long Island accent), and sure enough, it caught on. After a woman Lemon-Lawed him for his offensive introduction, Barney instantly regretted not calling it the "Barney Law," to ensure his place in history. Seldom-implemented provisos to the Lemon Law include a high-five in the case of simultaneous Lemon Law deployment and the waiving of the Law in exchange for the promise of a one-night-stand.
Slap Bet
Man has been slapping his fellow man for millennia. Of course, in the olden days, a slap would automatically lead to a gunfight, but by the era of Rick James, slaps were accepted as what they were -- a red-cheeked mark of one man's dominance over another. So when Barney and Marshall have a particularly important bet (Robin has a secret, and Barney says it's a porn career, while Marshall says she's married) it just has to be a slap bet. The rules are complex, resulting in the need for a slap bet commissioner -- in this case, Lily, who makes judgments on pre-emptive slaps and dishes out slap penalties to offenders. Slapping someone before the bet is won can lead to retaliatory slaps, anywhere from three to ten, although the number isn't as worrisome as the timing...
Slapsgiving
Given the choice between ten slaps now and five at any point in your life, with no advance warning, which would you choose? We guess there's no right answer, but Barney's choice of the latter seems... unwise, given the size of Marshall's hands. So after receiving one slap immediately upon losing the slap bet and one while attending Marshall's avant-garde play, Barney was dreading the third. Luckily, Marshall told him exactly when it would happen, starting an online countdown that ended on Thanksgiving Day -- or "Slapsgiving," as Marshall began to refer to it. The commissioner at first allowed the slap, but then revoked permission when emotions began to run high and threatened to ruin the holiday. However, Barney's subsequent taunting of Marshall caused Lily to reinstate the countdown, and Marshall's slap sent Barney halfway across the room. Marshall then performed a song he'd written for the occasion, "You Just Got Slapped," which spent several weeks at the top of the charts. There are currently two slaps remaining.
General Knowledge!
Technically an in-joke between Ted and Robin, the use of common, everyday phrases as humorous military titles is not new. For examples, see The Simpsons' "Corporal Punishment," South Park's General Disarray," and Spaceballs' "Major A**hole." But Ted and Robin's penchant for spotting these kinds of phrases in conversations, repeating them in unison and then saluting ("General Knowledge!" "Major Buzzkill!" "General Idea!") is exactly the kind of cute, couple-y behavior that friends would start to find aggravating after a while, which is what makes the whole conceit so believable. And while we would never repeat these phrases ourselves -- or, God forbid, salute them -- we can't help but smile every time we hear one spoken aloud, as we think of the adorable Ted and Robin, and how much we want to slap them.
Awesome
Barney didn't invent the word "awesome," but sometimes it seems like he did. That's because he calls himself "awesome" like Paris Hilton calls things "hot," and it's somehow not as annoying as that simile might suggest. But unlike "hot," which can only be an adjective, "awesome" can also be a verb, as in "I was out awesoming all over the place." It can also be a viscous substance, produced by Barney's twin awesome glands. (One of which has grown in place of a shame gland, explaining several things about his behavior.) What Barney does with all of that extra awesome, it's hard to say, although he seems to use it to make Laser Tag awesome, when it would otherwise not be very awesome at all.
The Hot/Crazy Scale
Perhaps Barney's most scientific contribution to the world of dating (if not the most judgmental -- the Lemon Law would probably take that prize), the Hot/Crazy Scale is a handy chart indicating how hot a woman has to be in order to make her craziness tolerable in a relationship. As long as the woman isn't crazier than she is hot, she should fall just north of the Vicki Mendoza Diagonal, named for an ex of Barney's who would increase in hotness (losing ten pounds, getting a boob job) even as she increased in crazy (shaving her head, stabbing Barney with a fork). But beware -- if the scales start to tip in the favor of crazy, the woman can fall inside the Shelley Gillespie Zone, named for yet another of Barney's exes, who gained 20 pounds and tried to kill him with a brick. Was she crazy? Or did she just know about Barney's chart? Our money's on the latter.
