The Wrestling Thread: WWE WrestleMania 31 [NSFW]

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Dark Ritual
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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions - Sunday
by Dark Ritual » Sun Sep 16, 2012 10:26 am

TNA News (Which may become a spoiler later on?)

Matt Morgan is back seemingly after appearing at a house show.

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions - Sunday
by Mafro » Sun Sep 16, 2012 11:22 am

RoH were having yet more iPPV problems last night :fp:

Fisher wrote:shyguy64 did you sell weed in animal crossing new horizons today.

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions - Sunday
by Jam-Master Jay » Sun Sep 16, 2012 11:33 am

WWE Night of Champions
Pre-show Battle Royale for a shot at the US title later
Winner: Zack Ryder
Antonio Cesaro (c) vs. Battle Royale Winner
Winner (worth 2): Antonio Cesaro
R-Truth and Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Kane and Daniel Bryan
Winning Team: Kane and Daniel Bryan
Loser: R-Truth
Layla (c) vs. Kaitlyn
Winner: Layla
Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler
Winner (worth 2): Randy Orton
Sheamus (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio
Winner (worth 3): Sheamus
CM Punk (c) vs. John Cena
Winner (worth 3): CM Punk


BONUS
Caped Chameleon & Zellery vs ROTS & Dante
Winners: ROTS & Dante
Prototype & Hank Scorpio vs Dangerblade & Codename47
Winners: Dangerblade & Codename47

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions - Sunday
by KK » Sun Sep 16, 2012 12:01 pm

The Sun wrote:CM Punk sets sights on ‘The Rock’

WWE Champion CM Punk may have a huge match this weekend against John Cena, but his sights are set on legendary Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

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The Rock tore the house down with Cena at this year’s Wrestlemania, and has already stated that he will challenge the WWE champ, whomever that may be, at next January’s Royal Rumble. Punk is very hopeful that it will be him.

Speaking to exclusively to SunSport, Punk said: “Anybody that doesn’t want to wrestle The Rock is pretty foolish.

"He’s not around a lot, so to get an opportunity to wrestle him, it’s a slim chance. I might have a shot at him at the Royal Rumble if I get past John Cena, and that right now is my goal. The Rumble is a while away, but hopefully I stay the champ until then.”

Despite his star status, Rock’s return ruffled a few feathers in the WWE locker room. Some felt that their year-round hard work mean they, and not a part-timer like Johnson, should see them featured in marquee positions. Punk admits he was one of those people.

“Rock being back, I guess, puts a lot of eyes on our product. In that respect it’s a good thing,” Punk said.

“I have a lot of pride in what I do, and I’m proud of the WWE, and their superstars and divas that are on the road 365 days a year. It’s a very cold business, it’s a very ‘what have you done for me lately?’ business.

“When somebody walks in and gets afforded opportunities that people are in line for and people are busting their ass for, you’re damn right I’m going to get p****d off about it. It’s only logical; it isn’t sour grapes. It isn’t whining. It’s a fact.

“I said it, I was vocal about it. I said it to his face. That’s just the kind of guy I am.

“Listen, if I disappear for 5-8 years and I come back, I only hope there is someone as angry and as hungry, with a chip on their shoulder, just like me, to tell me the same thing: ‘Hey, I can do everything you’re doing, and I’m doing it every day.’

“I don’t hate The Rock, I don’t hate Dwayne. There honestly aren’t any hard feelings, there’s nothing anything personal. It has motivated me to work harder and to prove everybody wrong. That’s what I do.”

This Sunday, Punk will face Cena in a rematch from their stellar outing at Money in the Bank in July last year. After that match, considered by some critics to be the finest this century, Punk and Cena have high expectations to live up to.

Punk, though, is confident that he and John will provide the WWE Universe with another match to remember — although he says he is not focused on ‘topping’ their previous effort when they meet this Sunday in Boston.

“Working with John is always interesting,” said Punk.

“I don’t think the goal is to try to top Money in the Bank, but to tell the next part of the story. If the next part of the story is to have a better match than Money in the Bank, then that’s what we’re going to do.

“I think we’re both at different places than we were a year ago. I just want to progress the storyline logically. I don’t want to go out there to just try to ‘top’ the Money in the Bank match. It would probably fall flat on its face if we did.

“Look at our track record. Yes, the pressure’s on, but I think we both operate better in a situation like that.

“I think any time me and John are in a situation like we are in at Night of Champions it has a big fight feel.

“I know I’m ready to deliver, and I know John is always ready to deliver. Sunday will be interesting.

“Being in Boston, (Cena’s home town) changes the dynamic of the match. I think we’ve been given a gift.

“CM Punk v John Cena in CM Punk’s hometown, then a year, and some change, later you get the same match in John Cena’s hometown. It’s fascinating to me that we get another chance at doing this, and I’m excited.”

The Money in the Bank classic is included in a new compilation DVD focused on Punk, which includes a documentary retrospective of his entire career.

Punk calls that Cena match ‘one of the finest of my career’ and ‘a shining moment’, and said he was keen to take an active part in the composition of the DVD.

He said: “I definitely had the last say in what matches went on there.

“When I saw the story and how it edited together, I wanted to pick matches that accentuate that story.

“I watched it with a couple of friends of mine. It’s pretty bizarre; it’s like I’m at my own funeral.

“It’s all these people I love and respect on there talking about me and seeing my entire career on a WWE DVD. It’s surreal.”

“CM Punk: Best in World” is released in October on DVD and Blu-Ray. You can pre-order a copy from www.silvervision.co.uk now.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sp ... -Punk.html

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by Mafro » Sun Sep 16, 2012 12:20 pm

Just heard on Wrestling Observer Radio that they are bringing Bradshaw back for commentary tonight and Monday.

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by Dark Ritual » Sun Sep 16, 2012 12:59 pm

That'll be awesome. I miss JBL on commentary, he was excellent.

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by Prototype » Sun Sep 16, 2012 1:51 pm

Why is the IC title match not on GRAPL?

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by KK » Sun Sep 16, 2012 1:53 pm

Prototype wrote:Why is the IC title match not on GRAPL?

Added on the go-home SmackDown, and GRAPL was put up on Thursday.

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions - Sunday
by KK » Sun Sep 16, 2012 2:07 pm

WWE Night of Champions
Pre-show Battle Royale for a shot at the US title later
Winner: Tyson Kidd
Antonio Cesaro (c) vs. Battle Royale Winner
Winner (worth 2): Antonio Cesaro
R-Truth and Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Kane and Daniel Bryan
Winning Team: Kane and Daniel Bryan
Loser: R-Truth
Layla (c) vs. Kaitlyn
Winner: Layla
Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler
Winner (worth 2): Dolph Ziggler
Sheamus (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio
Winner (worth 3): Alberto Del Rio
CM Punk (c) vs. John Cena
Winner (worth 3): CM Punk

BONUS
Caped Chameleon & Zellery vs ROTS & Dante
Winners: Caped Chameleon & Zellery
Prototype & Hank Scorpio vs Dangerblade & Codename47
Winners: Prototype & Hank Scorpio

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by Mafro » Sun Sep 16, 2012 2:20 pm

Prototype wrote:Why is the IC title match not on GRAPL?

Rog.

Fisher wrote:shyguy64 did you sell weed in animal crossing new horizons today.

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by Return_of_the_STAR » Sun Sep 16, 2012 2:46 pm

Dark Ritual wrote:That'll be awesome. I miss JBL on commentary, he was excellent.


I agree, this is good news. I was expecting foley but had forgotten about JBL tbh.

Also I'm started to consider changing my prediction to a del Rio win.

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by Cosmo » Sun Sep 16, 2012 2:46 pm

I'm still hoping it'll be JR.

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by tomvek » Sun Sep 16, 2012 2:48 pm

Not a bad choice. I always have my hopes set on them bringing JR back as default.

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by Dante » Sun Sep 16, 2012 2:52 pm

JBL :)

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by 1337GRIND » Sun Sep 16, 2012 2:56 pm

WWE Night of Champions
Pre-show Battle Royale for a shot at the US title later
Winner: Tyson Kidd
[b]Antonio Cesaro (c) vs. Battle Royale Winner[/b]
Winner (worth 2): Antonio Cesaro
R-Truth and Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Kane and Daniel Bryan
Winning Team: R-Truth and Kofi Kingston
Loser: Daniel Bryan
Layla (c) vs. Kaitlyn
Winner: Layla
Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler
Winner (worth 2): Dolph Ziggler
Sheamus (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio
Winner (worth 3): Alberto Del Rio
CM Punk (c) vs. John Cena
Winner (worth 3): CM Punk

BONUS
Caped Chameleon & Zellery vs ROTS & Dante
Winners: Caped Chameleon & Zellery
Prototype & Hank Scorpio vs Dangerblade & Codename47
Winners: Prototype & Hank Scorpio

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by SandyCoin » Sun Sep 16, 2012 2:58 pm

WWE Night of Champions
Pre-show Battle Royale for a shot at the US title later
Winner: Tyson Kidd
Antonio Cesaro (c) vs. Battle Royale Winner
Winner (worth 2): Antonio Cesaro
R-Truth and Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Kane and Daniel Bryan
Winning Team: Kane and Daniel Bryan
Loser: R-Truth
Layla (c) vs. Kaitlyn
Winner: Layla
Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler
Winner (worth 2): Randy Orton
Sheamus (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio
Winner (worth 3): Alberto Del Rio
CM Punk (c) vs. John Cena
Winner (worth 3): CM Punk

BONUS (no idea what this is about :lol: )
Caped Chameleon & Zellery vs ROTS & Dante
Winners: ROTS & Dante
Prototype & Hank Scorpio vs Dangerblade & Codename47
Winners: Prototype & Hank Scorpio

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions - Sunday
by teh bork » Sun Sep 16, 2012 3:00 pm

WWE Night of Champions

Pre-show Battle Royale for a shot at the US title later
Winner: Tyson Kidd

Antonio Cesaro (c) vs. Battle Royale Winner
Winner (worth 2): Antonio Cesaro

R-Truth and Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Kane and Daniel Bryan
Winning Team: Kane and Daniel Bryan
Loser: R-Truth

Layla (c) vs. Kaitlyn
Winner: Layla

Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler
Winner (worth 2): Randy Orton

Sheamus (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio
Winner (worth 3): Sheamus

CM Punk (c) vs. John Cena
Winner (worth 3): CM Punk

BONUS
Caped Chameleon & Zellery vs ROTS & Dante
Winners: Caped Chameleon & Zellery
Prototype & Hank Scorpio vs Dangerblade & Codename47
Winners: Prototype & Hank Scorpio

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by Dark Ritual » Sun Sep 16, 2012 4:12 pm

So while F4W are saying JBL, apparently PWI are saying Ross. Either way, we win.

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by Codename 47 » Sun Sep 16, 2012 4:17 pm

WWE Night of Champions

Pre-show Battle Royale for a shot at the US title later
Winner: Brodus Clay
[b]Antonio Cesaro (c) vs. Battle Royale Winner[/b]
Winner (worth 2): Antonio Cesaro
R-Truth and Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Kane and Daniel Bryan
Winning Team: Kane and Daniel Bryan
Loser: R-Truth
Layla (c) vs. Kaitlyn
Winner: Layla
Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler
Winner (worth 2): Dolph Ziggler
Sheamus (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio
Winner (worth 3): Sheamus
CM Punk (c) vs. John Cena
Winner (worth 3): John Cena

BONUS
Caped Chameleon & Zellery vs ROTS & Dante
Winners: Caped Chameleon & Zellery
Prototype & Hank Scorpio vs Dangerblade & Codename47
Winners: Dangerblade & Codename47

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PostRe: The Wrestling Thread: WWE Night of Champions; TONIGHT, S
by KK » Sun Sep 16, 2012 4:22 pm

PowerSlam Issue #112, November 2003

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What’s Going Down… (edited by Fin Martin)

  • From the September 15 Raw (held before a crowd of 7,000 in Columbia, South Carolina): The 80 year-old Fabulous Moolah beat Victoria in half-a-minute. Afterwards, ‘Legend Killer’ Randy Orton ran in and nearly lived up to his nickname when he dropped Moolah awkwardly with a screwed up RKO…

    And Lita returned and saved Trish Stratus from an attack by Molly Holly and Gail Kim.

  • From the September 18 SmackDown! (taped on September 16, before a crowd of 6,200 in Raleigh, North Carolina): Eddie Guerrero and Chavo Guerrero captured the WWE tag team title from Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas in a good match-up.

    And Brock Lesnar defeated Kurt Angle five falls to four in an exciting 60-minute Iron Man match to regain the WWE Title.

  • From the September 22 Raw (held before a crowd of 6,000 in Washington, DC): Kane attacked Shane McMahon in a hospital in nearby Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Kane laid the shots in, and Shane sold them like they really hurt. For the first time in his feud with McMahon, Kane looked like an unstoppable monster.

    Triple H told a baffled crowd that they needed him more than he needed them. That was ‘The Game’s’ way of excusing himself from Raw so he could go play movie star.

    Finally, Bill Goldberg pinned Chris Jericho with the Jackhammer in a decent main event.

  • From the September 25 SmackDown! (taped on September 23 before a crowd of 5,000 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania): Tajiri pinned Rey Msyerio in a superb bout to win the Cruiserweight title.

    Lastly, when Vince McMahon learned that Stephanie McMahon had arranged a WWE title match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker at No Mercy without consulting him, he went ballistic and booked himself in an I Quit match against Steph on the same pay per view. Erm, what (how and why)? Even for a character as unhinged as Mr. McMahon, that wasn’t plausible grounds for this bout to take place (in a feature position on a major event). Mind you, I can’t think of a reasonable explanation as to why a Vince/Steph match should ever happen – which is partly because the very thought of it makes my skin crawl.

  • From the September 29 Raw (held before a crowd of 9,000 in Chicago, Illinois): Scott Steiner turned heel on Stacy Keibler. He did so because it was her mistake which cost him his match with Test at Unforgiven. At least this drew a line under the interminable Steiner/Test feud.

    Triple H was interviewed ‘live’ via satellite. He placed a $100,000 bounty on Goldberg: the money would be awarded to the first person who “took out” the World champion. Since wrestlers were scrapping for story line prizes/bounties of $100,000 in the 1980s – in promotions far smaller than WWE – surely HHH should have offered a bounty of at least $500,000 in 2003. If I were Goldberg, I’d feel insulted that I was only worth 100 grand.

    Jim Ross beat Jonathan Coachman in a Country Whipping match to regain the Raw announcing job (for himself and Jerry Lawler).

    Finally, Rob Van Dam defeated Christian in a gripping Ladder match to capture the Intercontinental title.

  • From the October 2 SmackDown! (taped on September 30 before a crowd of 6,000 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin): The Big Show ate several burritos delivered by Eddie Guerrero’s stereotypical Mexican pal Jose which, unbeknownst to him, were spiked with a deadly laxative sauce. Later, Show had to abandon his match with ‘Mr. Charisma’ Orlando Jordan and sprint to the lavatory. As a collection of loud groans and fart noises emanated from the cubicle in which Show was sat, Guerrero sauntered into the gents and revealed his and Jose’s clandestine scheme – and that he had stolen all the bog roll. Adding to Show’s misery, he then booted the toilet door off its hinges. This skit made the Carry On films look like highbrow entertainment.

    Finally, Lesnar and John Cena beat Undi’ and Angle in a fine match.

  • And from the October 6 Raw (held before a sell out crowd of 6,400 in Uncasville, Connecticut): Shane McMahon trapped Kane in a limousine and sent it crashing into an articulated lorry trailer. Kane – who obviously wasn’t in the vehicle when it struck the trailer – was taken away in an ambulance. This angle must have cost WWE at least $75,000 and, apart from filling air time, I can’t see what it achieved.

    Dancing babyface Lance Storm and Van Dam beat Chris Jericho and Christian in an enjoyable match when Storm pinned Jericho.

    Maven challenged Ric Flair to a match on the October 13 Raw. An animated Flair in response bragged that he had held more World titles than Maven had had women. Was this meant to be surprising? Flair has captured either 16 or 18 World titles (even more if you count his secret reigns); Maven is 26-years-old. Therefore, isn’t it reasonable in this day and age to expect Flair’s number of championship wins to exceed babyface Maven’s conquests in the bedroom department?

    Finally, Bill Goldberg beat bounty hunter Mark Henry by disqualification in a surprisingly entertaining match.

    ____________________________________

  • Shelton Benjamin underwent minor knee surgery in mid September.

  • Sylvan Grenier is sidelined with a serious neck injury.

  • Brock Lesnar is working with injuries to his neck and knee.

  • Movies, marriage, wrestling: it’s all happening for HHH. He shot his part as a villainous vampire in Blade: Trinity in late September/early October. On October 25, he is due to marry Stephanie McMahon and then whisk her off to an undisclosed location for a two-week honeymoon. From there, ‘The Game’ is earmarked to return to WWE for a rematch with Bill Goldberg at Survivor Series. He will then leave again to film another movie.

  • Bradshaw is going through a divorce which will apparently cost him a pretty penny. Seems his soon-to-be-ex-wife will have more money shortly…

  • Maven is in line for a major push.

  • Kevin Nash is slated to return as a heel for a feud with Goldberg. First Mark Henry, then Nash: Goldberg’s title reign will not be remembered for its classic matches.

  • On an early October edition of WWE’s internet show Byte This!, Triple H claimed that workers who have “paid their dues” in the wrestling industry have earned the right express their opinion on wrestling-related matters, unlike wrestling fans who have never entered the squared circle (their views are worthless, according to ‘The Game’). What an absurd statement. Seems to me that Paul Levesque is cracking under the pressure of the criticism he’s receiving (and richly deserves).

  • Speaking of HHH: His stag do was held at The Doll House strip club in Raleigh, North Carolina on September 16. Strangely , HHH (along with Vince McMahon, The Undertaker and Ric Flair) did not arrive until around 1:30am, some 30 minutes before the club closed…

  • WWE’s lawsuit against Lewmar Inc. has been settled out of court. Lewmar Inc. manufactured the trigger-latch shackle which opened prematurely and caused Owen Hart to fall to his death at Over The Edge 1999. The British firm agreed to pay WWE $9 million in damages.

  • WWE has banned its wrestlers from using the overhead belly-to-belly suplex. The ban was imposed to reduce the risk of wrestlers suffering neck injuries.

  • Vince McMahon was inducted into the Madison Square Garden Hall Of Fame on September 18.

  • Scott Hall was arrested and jailed again on September 19 for a probation violation. It was his third violation of his current probation.

  • Former ECW wrestler Anthony ‘Pit Ball II’ Durante died of a drug overdose on either September 23 or September 24. The 36-year-old Durante and his girlfriend Dianna C. Hulsey, 29, were found dead when entry was gained to their Rhode Island home on September 25 after relatives had been unable to contact them for several days. The couple had two young children who were in the house at the time, but were found unharmed.

    In recent happenings from TNA...

    Hollywood Hulk Hogan will make his in-ring debut on November 30. As it stands now, Hogan will wrestle only one match for NWA: TNA, against Jeff Jarrett, on the promotion’s first Sunday night pay per view, which is called Bound For Glory.

    Former IWA (Puerto Rico) booker Dutch Mantel has been added to NWA: TNA’s booking team (which also consists of Vince Russo, Jerry Jarrett and Jeff Jarrett).

    Shane Douglas defeated Raven in a decent Hair vs. Hair match on September 17. (Douglas, on camera, puked up in the ring during the match.) Afterwards, Douglas’ manager Jim Mitchell shaved Raven’s head bald. Hair wasn’t the only thing he took off: by using the clippers incorrectly, Mitchell removed much of the skin on Raven’s head along with his locks, which led to a confrontation between Raven and Mitchell after the show ended. Vampiro made his NWA: TNA debut during the match under the management of Mitchell.

    Roddy Piper returned on September 17 in a nonsensical segment. Vince Russo eventually joined Piper in the ring. The two made it clear that they didn’t like each other, but never explained why (or what they were talking about).

    Veteran Terry Taylor defeated Kid Kash following outside interference on September 24.

    Jeff Jarrett pinned Christopher Daniels clean in a mid-card match on September 24. Daniels’ push is over…

    Jarrett and Dusty Rhodes beat A.J. Styles and Vince Russo on October 1 when Rhodes pinned Styles. Humiliated, A.J. had a big blow-up with Russo after the match and agreed to defend the NWA World title against ‘The American Dream’ the following week. October 8, Styles pinned Rhodes in a 16-minute match, which was just about passable (considering Rhodes is really fat and turned 58 for days later).

    Electronic Arts has reached an agreement with NWA: TNA to produce the first TNA console game.

In the Ratings

RAW

September 15: 3.7
September 22: 3.6
September 29: 3.4.
October 6: 3.4

SmackDown!

September 11: 3.5 (5.7 million viewers)
September 18: 3.2
September 25: 3.1
October 2: 2.9

United Kingdom - Raw

Ending September 7: 220,000
Ending September 14: 190,000
September 21: 200,000
September 28: 230,000

Signs of The Times

Flair needs a bra! – Raw, Sep 15
Lilian is hot – Raw, Sep 15
Kane = Uncle Fester – Unforgiven, Sep 21
I came to see HHH lose – Unforgiven, Sep 21
Bring back DX – Raw, Sep 22
Vince is senile – SmackDown!, Sep 25
Eddie stole my good sign – SmackDown!, Sep 25
La Parka = ratings – SmackDown!, Oct 2

If I Can Be Serious For A Minute...

“I apologise in advance for not being professional…I can be objective.” – Jim Ross, Raw September 8

“You two suck! Read my lips: you two suck” – Eric Bischoff to Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, Raw September 8

“One thing’s for damn sure: (Triple H) has never, and I mean never, been in the ring one-on-one with Goldberg before.” – Bill Goldberg, apparently forgetting his previous singles matches with HHH, Raw September 8

“Eric Bischoff is really a seedy, no-good bastard, and that’s why he booked Shane in this match.” – Jim Ross on the Shane McMahon vs. Kane Last Man Standing match, Unforgiven September 21

“What this country needs is Theodore Long for President.” – Theodore Long, Raw September 22

“I am the greatest professional wrestler alive today. I wake up every single day of my life knowing it, because I live it, I breathe it and I prove it.” – Triple H, apparently mistaking his dreams for reality, Raw September 22

“The Fuji TV announce team, all the way from Japan, here tonight.” – Michael Cole, SmackDown! September 25

“We’re like, the American announce team, ‘cause we’re Americans, right?” – Tazz (in response).

“I’ve always wondered what it would be like to whip J.R.’s ass like a government mule.” – Jonathan Coachman, Raw September 29.

“What the hell is a Sooner, anyway? I’d like to see him lose sooner than later, if you know what I mean.” – Chris Jericho on Jim Ross, Raw September 29.

“I respect other people’s cultures, but don’t throw it into our faces.” – Al Snow, possibly oblivious to the fact that America throws its culture into the rest of the world’s face every day, Raw September 29.

Wrestling On The Fringe (with Patty Therre)

Kane has been a bizarre and controversial figure in the WWF/WWE since his debut at In Your House XVIII: Badd Blood October 5, 1997. We soon learned that Kane was Paul Bearer’s love child with The Undertaker’s mother, and that when a young Undertaker saw Bearer and his mother ‘together’, he lost the plot and set fire to the house. The blaze left his parents dead and his younger half-brother with serious burns. Kane – who spent his childhood in a dark dungeon – wore a mask to hide his horrific scars and was an effective heel character. Then he turned babyface. He became the loveable but socially (and verbally) inept behemoth who conveyed emotions only through a tilt of his head or a squint of his black-encircled eyes. It was X-Pac who brought him out of his shell and tutored Kane in the ways of speech. His first words – “Suck it!” – were hailed as a miracle by the announcers. Soon, he could speak like a normal human. Things took a strange(r) turn when Kane was betrayed by X-Pac and spurned by his love interest Tori. He expressed his anger by setting things on fire with his superpowers. Being in a burns unit for years and then being locked in Bearer’s dungeon caused Kane tremendous grief and mental anguish. But when Triple H accused Kane in October 2002 of murdering Katie Vick in an alcohol-related car crash ten years earlier, Kane defended himself, not by setting Tripper on fire, but by explaining that he had been at a party and Katie had drunk herself legless and asked him to drive her home. The tragic accident that killed her was exactly that – a tragic accident.

But wait! We were told previously that this was a man who had had no contact with civilisation until 1997. Yet, now, he was partying with a college crowd five years earlier, and a girl asked him to drive a car? (And was he wearing his mask in the photograph on his driving license?) Kane was unmasked on two prior occasions. However he covered his face and fled – and his hair remained intact. Curiously, when Kane finally unmasked proper at Madison Square Garden in June 2003, the hair that had stayed attached to his head when the mask was previously removed came off with it. Trickery? Or was Kane so prudent as to glue hair on his head just ‘in case’ someone pulled his mask off? To everyone’s surprise, Kane’s face was scar-free when the mask came off. WWE writers, in a flash of creativity, explained that he was never burned at all – he was “traumatised” and only thought he was scorched as a child (which rewrote the past to start the Kane character on a new path). When Kane was hurled into a flaming dumpster by Shane McMahon, it seemed he would be burned for ‘real’. But Kane returned to Raw only a week later, sporting no burns at all! The explanation? “Kane was not in the dumpster when the fire was extinguished.” No one bothered to explain why or how he escaped. Does he still have those supernatural powers, or what? If he did, wouldn’t he have magicked himself out of the limo that the homicidal Shane McMahon sent crashing into a trailer, leaving Kane bloodied and battered? John Cena teaches Thuganomics. I think viewers need a few lessons in Kaneology to help them grasp this outrageous story line.

What's even funnier is since 2003, the Kane storyline has only got even stupider.

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