The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing

Fed up talking videogames? Why?
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Meep
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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by Meep » Sat May 25, 2019 12:20 pm

I was commenting on the BBC article "Using artificial intelligence, Ideas will suggest rewrites for clunky sentences as well as changes to make sure language is gender inclusive." Which just seemed kind of funny. :lol: I can imagine a lot of people going nuts if that's really the case.

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by shy guy 64 » Sat May 25, 2019 1:10 pm

DarkRula wrote:
shy guy 64 wrote:Frozen Fire


Just to let you know, I've bought it, and will be starting reading soon.

Those second book previews also sound great.


i hoe you enjoy it, id love to hear your thoughts on it if you wouldnt mind

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by DarkRula » Sat May 25, 2019 1:43 pm

I'll be sure to post some thoughts.

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by DarkRula » Mon May 27, 2019 11:45 pm

shy guy 64 wrote:id love to hear your thoughts on it if you wouldnt mind


Having finished The World Within the Web, my initial impressions are that this is definitely a good read. I'm particularly liking Visrel - the arrogant villain who is sure their plans will always work. The Frozen Fire team are starting to grow on me, and there's references aplenty within the building of the characters and the world [such as the races being file types]. While there are punctuation errors and missing words, it's easy to understand what is actually meant.

You've done good with it, and I look forward to reading the rest.

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by shy guy 64 » Tue May 28, 2019 9:35 am

DarkRula wrote:
shy guy 64 wrote:id love to hear your thoughts on it if you wouldnt mind


Having finished The World Within the Web, my initial impressions are that this is definitely a good read. I'm particularly liking Visrel - the arrogant villain who is sure their plans will always work. The Frozen Fire team are starting to grow on me, and there's references aplenty within the building of the characters and the world [such as the races being file types]. While there are punctuation errors and missing words, it's easy to understand what is actually meant.

You've done good with it, and I look forward to reading the rest.


thank you i really appreciate it and im glad you liked it, i think something went wrong in the editing process when we were rounding up the errors

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by DarkRula » Tue May 28, 2019 11:35 am

I've seen plenty of errors in countless ebooks - including a paragraph chopped away from the middle of a chapter and dumped at the end - so I'm used to such things.

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by shy guy 64 » Tue May 28, 2019 12:53 pm

DarkRula wrote:I've seen plenty of errors in countless ebooks - including a paragraph chopped away from the middle of a chapter and dumped at the end - so I'm used to such things.


thats oddly reassuring

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by DarkRula » Tue May 28, 2019 2:20 pm

Only professional reviewers take note of such errors when it comes to the actual content, but if that content is worthy of a read, they'll still recommend it anyway.

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by shy guy 64 » Tue May 28, 2019 3:55 pm

DarkRula wrote:Only professional reviewers take note of such errors when it comes to the actual content, but if that content is worthy of a read, they'll still recommend it anyway.


well i have no professional reviewers yet, ill bare that in mind though

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by DarkRula » Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:36 pm

shy guy 64 wrote:id love to hear your thoughts on it if you wouldnt mind


Having finished the rest of it, I can say that my initial impressions were spot on. There's plenty of world building, the characters have indeed grown on me, and the story itself reads coherently, knowing exactly what has happened and setting a few things up for later parts. The final book provides a great end to the whole story, and even explores those other worlds - even if briefly - in a way that allows the reader to know exactly what they might expect from them. You've done well for this first book of yours, and I await your second release.

One note I do have that could help for the future. Even though it's a book, you don't want to make individual paragraphs too long. When it gets to the action scenes, there's a page or more of a solid wall of text. I'm not sure how different it appears on the actual book, but solid walls of text are generally something to avoid. Fifteen lines should be an absolute maximum before you put in a line break, though I'd advise on ten. It makes things easier to follow, especially when you've got repeating words on separate lines.

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by shy guy 64 » Wed Jul 03, 2019 7:55 pm

DarkRula wrote:
shy guy 64 wrote:id love to hear your thoughts on it if you wouldnt mind


Having finished the rest of it, I can say that my initial impressions were spot on. There's plenty of world building, the characters have indeed grown on me, and the story itself reads coherently, knowing exactly what has happened and setting a few things up for later parts. The final book provides a great end to the whole story, and even explores those other worlds - even if briefly - in a way that allows the reader to know exactly what they might expect from them. You've done well for this first book of yours, and I await your second release.

One note I do have that could help for the future. Even though it's a book, you don't want to make individual paragraphs too long. When it gets to the action scenes, there's a page or more of a solid wall of text. I'm not sure how different it appears on the actual book, but solid walls of text are generally something to avoid. Fifteen lines should be an absolute maximum before you put in a line break, though I'd advise on ten. It makes things easier to follow, especially when you've got repeating words on separate lines.


thanks that really means a lot to me

i have been told about the paragraph thing at other times, ill certainly bear it in mind for the future

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by LightWanderer » Thu Jul 04, 2019 12:30 am

Wild World

The Videogames Dimension was made up of many different universes, with millions of planets and homelands. There was the Mushroom Kingdom - home to Mario, the most famous character in all of gaming. There was Hyrule. And the Pokémon Regions. And, the world that I belonged to was the Animal Crossing planet.
My game series was a pretty easy one to be honest. I didn't have to fight big monsters, rescue damsels in distress or manoeuvre across wartorn battlefields. I wasn't scared of death - it was literally impossible to die in my world. All I had to worry about were things like having a job, paying my mortgage and navigating an ever-demanding social life. Sure, there were times when these tasks felt humongous. Herculean. But given the bigger picture, given what other characters had to deal with, it was a walk in the park. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Yet it was so popular among the Gamers. The Gods of the Videogames Dimension made my adventures into videogames, and somehow the Gamers adored the series! It was always a bestseller!
My story was a pretty simple one. I moved to a Newtown, and so did my brother. He was known as Villager, and I was known as Villagette - one of the prettiest girls in the whole planet. It was ages since I moved to Newtown, and while my mum sent me letters every now and then, she didn't have a camera and thus couldn't send photos, so I was beginning to forget what she looked like. But her kind words made sure I never forgot what was really important: the beautiful heart she had.

Dear Villagette,
You must promise to walk with me again by the cherry blossoms in bloom. It would be lovely.
<3 Mom.

That was the most recent letter she had sent and oh my gosh, how I held it close the moment it came through the letter box. What a sweet, kind woman!
She would have been so proud of me. I had gotten a job as a shop assistant at Nook's Cranny. And me and my bro had a big huge house in the middle of the town. It had an upstairs and everything; with four gorgeous beds - one for me, one for Villager and two for whenever we had guests over.
Anyways the day I'm writing about was a very important one. I was going on a date! With the greatest musician on the planet, the one and only K.K. Slider! He was a gorgeous white dog with an acapella guitar and the voice of an angel. I had all his songs and listened to them every day. KK Fusion, KK Lullaby, KK Song...
I couldn't believe he wanted to go out with me but like I said, I was one of the prettiest girls in the whole wild world.
So the first thing I did that morning was rush downstairs, ate an apple for breakfast and leave the house. Villager was being given a verbal beatdown by the angry mole guy who likes to shout at everyone, Mr Resetti (I really wish our world had mental health doctors. Resetti's crazy!) I ran past them, over to the Able Sisters' cottage.
Oh yeah so get this. The Able Sisters were these hedgehogs who knew so much about fashion and they made all the clothes themselves. It was a family business, originally owned by their parents but, long before I can remember, the parents died in a fatal sewing accident, so ever since Sable had been running the place, with Mable helping out anyway she could.
So I went in and told them all about my date with KK. Sable's eyes filled up with excitement. She handed me a notepad and I drew out what I wanted the dress to look like. Then, while Mable was sewing the dress, Sable told me about her own love life: she was once in a relationship with a blue hedgehog from another world but then she had to leave him so she could look after the shop. He was now a mega successful superstar but he hadn't gotten another girlfriend. The closest thing he had to one was this annoying stalker chick named Amy.
At long last, after Sable was finished telling me her whole life story (yawn...), the dress was ready. It was great, even better than I thought it would be. Mable handed it to me with pride and the next moment it was on me; the dress that I was wearing now safely stored in my pocket.
KK was waiting for me outside the town hall. He gave a cute howl as I went over to him and I laughed. He let me feel the muscles in his arms and then he showed me a sign he had written on the noticeboard.
"Villagette, I <3 you. KK."
How romantic.
The Lord Mayor, Tortimer - a really old tortoise - was standing nearby. He smiled at our soppiness and told us that he was getting things ready as an important visitor was coming to town.
"More important than KK?" I asked, surprised, my fingers fondly playing with KKs fingers as we held hands. Apparently Tortimer seemed to think it was a more important visitor, but he wouldn't tell me who.
KK bought me flowers at Nook's Cranny and then we went to the beach. We fished for a while before sitting on the sand and sharing life stories. Did you know he wrote his first song when he was just a puppy? And it's one of my absolute favourites too. It goes something like "doo doo dodo doo do". We must have been sitting there for hours because we got to see a sunset and everything.
Then it was almost time for him to get ready for his concert so we went to the Museum. His gig was in Brewster's Café in the basement (underground music, the best!) but we still had a teensy bit of time so we gave the fishes we caught to the museum clerk and went stargazing. KK designed a constellation in the shape of a love heart and named it after me!
Brewster the Pigeon made me a cup of coffee and I sat there, watching KK lovingly as he sang. The music was amazing as always and I felt so proud - he was singing about me. But he's also a very religious celebrity (something I had always admired about him: he had a great moral code) so he sang about the Gods. As he sang, credits floated in the air, listing all the Gods who had created our planet.
After the concert it was way late. KK walked me back to my house. He gave me a hug and I blew him a love heart. He blushed as the heart bounced playfully on his nose, before it melted; the sudden red of his cheeks an amazing contrast to his silky white fur. We said one last good night and went our separate ways. I went upstairs to my room, writing in my Save Journal (the book I store all my memories in so I don't forget anything) and went to sleep for the night. It was the greatest day I had ever had!

When I left my house the next morning it was to find a lot of the town's residents gathered around the town hall. KK was there and Villager and Tom Nook and the Sable Sisters and Lily the Frog and Tortimer... And there, standing at a podium, was Tortimer's very special guest.
It was a Mii, from the Wii Sports Galaxy, most likely from Wuhu Island. He waited until a few other townsfolk arrived and then he smiled at us all.
"Hello," he said. "I am Masahiro Sakurai, the director of Smash Bros."
I frowned. I should have known. He was a God, and had made himself look like a mortal Mii. I had heard all about the Smash Bros initiative. I had seen the footage from the previous tournaments ... characters were chosen from all around the Videogames Dimension, to compete in brutal battles, just so Sakurai and the other Gods could make videogames of it.
There had already been three Smash Bros tournaments: the original, Smash Bros Melee and Smash Bros Brawl, each one getting more and more characters than the last. There weren't ever any deaths, the Gods made sure of that, but the fighters didn't hold back either. They'd get in as many punches and kicks and missiles and explosions as possible. I always felt sorry for the fighters and the hardships they had to endure. Animal Crossing Planet had always been lucky, we never had to offer up one of ours to be a fighter, but if Sakurai was here now it could only mean one thing.
He told us all to come forth and write our names onto his Sign-Up Sheet and we knew we had no choice in the matter. He was a God; if we disobeyed him, if we refused to sign-up, he could easily have us killed.
He said a few more words; said he needed to have two representatives from Animal Crossing. Yes, two. Apparently many Gamers didn't think the most recent tournament, Brawl, was as savage and hardcore as Melee, so he wanted to bring in a bigger number of fighters this time around. He said he'd look at the names and then have letters sent out in the morning saying who had been chosen to compete. With that, he bade us a good day and got Tortimer to give him a tour around the town; no doubt doing research for other elements from our planet he could use for his twisted tournaments.
Once he was gone, we all broke our silence. Many characters burst into tears, others felt dizzy. KK ran over to hug me.
"It will be all right," I said.
"No it won't," said Villager as he walked over to us.
"Maybe he won't pick us," I said.
"Maybe not," Villager said, "but he will pick someone. No, some two. Look around us at all these characters. We've come to know and love all of them. They're our friends, our family. And if we don't get picked, they might. Be picked for the most gruesome of all videogame battles. Oh why did he have to come here? Why couldn't he leave Animal Crossing alone?"
KK gave a sad bark. "I guess that's the price you have to pay when you're popular."
I held his paw and cried. Yesterday had been the best day ever. And this had to be one of the worst. For the first time in my life, I was absolutely dreading getting a letter.

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by DarkRula » Thu Jul 04, 2019 11:03 am

Aww... That's so sweet. Nice one AOC.

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by OrangeRKN » Thu Jul 04, 2019 11:20 am

Villagette volunteers as tribute

Witty biological-political hybrid jokes are the reason this place fails to cater to a wide audience
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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by LightWanderer » Wed Jul 10, 2019 11:01 pm

Thanks DarkRule and OR.
Also, semi-blatant bump not to leave the Rakoon's thread die, but (an extract from something I'm writing but I've decided I need to give it some time before sharing the actual thing cause my writing still needs vast improvements in places). Please let me know how I can improve because I want to become a serious writer (even if the content for this particular story is fanfiction, I want it to read like an actual novel).

James the Thief

Sunshine Town lay in the coastline of Isle Delfino, one of the largest islands in the Flower Kingdom. While most of the town had beautiful, rustic villas with seashells on the walls, elegant white balconies and colourful, striped tarpaulins under every window, the west side of town was much different. Known as Rogueport, it was full of buildings that looked like they were about to collapse. Graffiti was plastered on every wall, thick smoke came from the crooked chimneys and many of the windows were broken; shards of glass joining the old newspapers, crumpled drink cans and other rubbish that filled the cracked-pavement streets.
In the main part of Sunshine Town, Delfino Square - the plaza in front of the town hall - was an impressive gray statue of the town founder, a Pianta known as Obadiah Flowerfields. Piantas were humanoid characters with blobby limbs and a tree growing out of their head.
In the centre of Rogueport, in front of the shady-looking Item Shop and the Inn, was the gallows. Small kids were playing around it; their parents too busy drinking or sleeping to notice. Most of the kids were Toads, cute squeaktoy characters with mushroom caps. There were also baby Piantas; little Cheep Cheep fish who went around in water bowl buggies; and a Thwomp, a block of concrete with limbs and large oval eyes. The kids were laughing, taking turns putting the noose around each other's heads; unaware of how dangerous it was.
Trees were planted around the beautiful side of Sunshine Town, the orange leaves falling gracefully onto the freshly-cut grass that framed its pathways. No trees were planted around Rogueport: there was no healthy soil there. And, at the south-east of Sunshine Town, was a beautiful harbour - the reason Rogueport fell into disrepair in the first place.
Rogueport was initially called Poshport, full of beauty, but when the larger, more convenient harbour was built at the other side of town, the ports were no longer needed. It gradually became the least popular part of town; its houses discarded or given to the ills of society while Sunshine Town's more elegant residents built villas around the harbour. Boats and cruise ships were parked around the harbour, while market stalls selling all manner of fruit and vegetables were a permanent feature there.

"Stop, thief!" a voice filled the air. A blue police Pianta was seen running through the town, club in hand; his uniform glistening in the moonlight. Other police Pianta accompanied him.
"Admit it man," said one of them, a young brown Pianta with a coconut tree growing out of his head. "We ain't never gonna catch him."
"He's right," came a voice on the rooftops, by the line of houses that divided Rogueport from the rest of the town. James the Thief was running along the slated tiles; the town's finest jewels stored in his pockets.
He was a handsome Mii in his mid-twenties. Flaming red hair drooped down over his shoulders; the top of his hair buried slightly by his navy bowler hat that matched his pinstripe suit. He had a red bowtie and a look of utter triumph on his pale face. "I'm unstoppable, so you may as well give up!"
But the Piantas would not give up. They entered their tanks and started shooting projectiles: bullets, bombs and balls of fire. The other characters in the town had all run indoors to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. Many were staring out of the windows at the ongoing chase; taking photos and videos with their Pictograph camera boxes.

There were two other bandits on the roof.
The first was Elvin Gadd, a short twenty-three year-old with a black trenchcoat. He had buckteeth and wiry silver glasses that had spirals in them, somehow this made him see better. His cute button nose was a bright pink colour. His head was round, with a dark tuft of hair coming out the top of it, as if it was an upsidedown potato whose roots hadn't been cut yet.
He wore big, black, noise-cancelling headphones. He hated loud noises in general and these heists were especially stressful, with the projectiles exploding everywhere, but he never turned down an opportunity to go on an adventure with his husband, James. Most couples went to the beach, the cinema or the restaurant for their nights out; James and Elvin went on heists.
Elvin's arms were so long and thin they could have been pipe cleaners. They were swinging wildly through the air, tennis rackets in each hand, hitting the projectiles back at the police. Many found their targets; the Piantas falling from their tanks and screaming.
"Scum!" shouted a green Pianta, as a bomb exploded in his face.
The third bandit on the roof was James and Elvin's pet Cataquack, a round ducklike creature with bulging green eyes and a yellow beak. She had no wings; her feet were scurrying to and fro as the three characters continued their jaunt across the rooftops.
A small, white device was clipped to James' belt, the GameChip Advance. One of the many devices Elvin had invented, it was a music player.
"Follow me," the music sang. "Set me free. Trust me and we will escape from the city."
James was moving in rhythm to the music, ducking and diving the projectiles; each dance move mocking the police's incompetence. Elvin smiled at his dancing but did not join in. He had no rhythm and if he had even attempted to join in, he'd most likely have lost his footing, slipping off the roofs and ruining the entire heist.

"ENOUGH!" roared a red Pianta.
"You're under arrest," said a black Pianta.
"Not bloody likely," said James, sticking his tongue out at them. Wanted posters hung up all around the town, photos of him and his comrades on all of them. He pulled one off a nearby steeple and waved it pointedly. "Haven't you learnt your lesson by now? Pity you haven't updated the posters in months. My hair was sooo much uglier back then!"
"Quit it," snarled the blue Pianta, firing another bullet. Elvin hit it back at him. "There's five million coins to whoever catches you crooks," the Pianta spat. "That money is mine!"
"Oh yeah?" said James, doing a piourette. "What will you do with it? Fix up Rogueport? The place stinks!"
"Eat dust!" said a purple Pianta, throwing a bomb at him. It missed, blowing up a nearby house. A ragged, kid Toad and his blind grandmother ran out of it, screaming.
"Hooligans!" shouted the grandmother, shaking her walking stick in the air. "Buy me a new house you filthy scumbags!"
"I'm so sorry Ma'am," said the purple Pianta, his face paling with embarrassment.
"Let me get this straight," said James, swinging from a tarpaulin. "Blue Pianta, Green Pianta, Red, Yellow, Purple, Black, Brown Piantas - are you all auditioning for a candy commercial? Here, taste the rainbow!"
He took a bag of giant, multicoloured gumballs out of his inventory. He put each one into his mouth and shot them all out at the police, like pellets.

At last, James, Elvin and Cataquack reached the last set of buildings in Rogueport; the vast ocean behind them. They carefully slid down the rooftops, onto some of the barrels that stood abandoned in the port.
The days of the port having its own team of security was long gone, most of the security now gone to the harbour. Only one remained: a giant green mouse. Right now he was unconscious.
"James!" exclaimed Cupid as the three bandits ran over to him. He was a Wiggler, a caterpillar of around James' height, with a yellow body that had red spots on it. He had a big red nose. A daisy-flower dangled off his head. He held a bow in his front feet; his most recent tranquilizer arrow portruding from the mouse's stomach.
A blimp was behind him, in the shape of an orange Cheep Cheep. Another of Elvin's inventions.
"STOP!" roared the Pianta police, fast approaching the thieves.
"Oh no!" said James, falling to his knees. His music stopped playing. He put a hand over his head, giving an exasperated sigh. "The Piantas told me to stop. They shouted at me! I have been defeated!"
Elvin grinned at him and the four Bandits rushed into the blimp. The door was one of the Cheep Cheep's white fins. James slammed it shut behind them, giving the police a rude hand gesture.

Some of Cupid's feet operated the blimp while two of them shot arrows at the police through the open windows. Elvin was feeding a constant stream of water balloons to Cataquack, who was biting into them and then spitting the water out the window, spraying the Piantas. The trees on top of the Pianta's heads were getting so much water that they were beginning to shake violently, causing the Piantas' entire bodies to collapse.
"You know," said Elvin, rubbing Cataquack fondly, "you're like a hose, spraying our enemies with water. Maybe I could make water guns that look like you and then we could all shoot water at them! The Flash Liquidizer Ultra-Dousing Device. Or, F.L.U.D.D. for short!" He waved his hands with excitement, already visualising blueprints for his new device.
James was sitting on one of the pink, leather reclining seats; his arms behind his head and his legs kicking the vacant seat in front of him.
The GameChip Advance was playing a new song and he was whistling along to it. Music notes came out of his mouth as he whistled. They drifted out the windows, down to the Piantas and hit them repeatedly in the face. The notes were made out of transparent chilly air but they hit the Piantas with such velocity that it hurt, tearing gashes into the side of their faces.
"I don't get paid enough for this!" howled the blue Pianta, blood trickling down his cheeks.
At last the blimp had been flown so far into the sky that the town was no longer visible; the projectiles the Piantas had been firing far out of reach.
"Well done boys," said James, laughing. "We really are unstoppable!"

Elvin hugged him. He had first met James three years ago, when he saw him trying to escape with money from the local bank. Elvin had thought James was the hottest guy he had ever seen so, naturally, he wanted to help, quickly coming up with an invention to help him escape. James was so impressed that he invited him to come live with him and the other bandits in the woods. Elvin kept impressing him with inventions to help him in his heists and eventually their friendship turned into romance.
"So what's the next mission?" asked Cupid now, holding a compass. The sky outside was filled with thick rainclouds, it looked like a storm was about to erupt. One of Cupid's feet was placed firmly on the shield button, keeping the blimp wrapped in a protective, purple forcefield. "Where we dropping next?"
"No idea," shrugged James. "I hear the royals want to rename the Flower Kingdom. Call it Sahasrah Land or something. Maybe it's time we paid them a visit, tell them how utterly stupid the new name is. I mean," he added when Elvin shot him a confused look. Elvin was one of the smartest characters in the world, possessing an encyclopaediac knowledge on all things science, but he could not identify most social cues, like when a character was joking. "We could leave them a note telling them that it's a stupid name, while we're stealing the castle's jewels!"
"You want to break into the castle?" said Elvin. His feet were on his chair and he was huddled up, rocking back and forth to try and stay calm: he absolutely hated air travel, especially with a storm impending. This blimp, like many of his inventions, terrified him.
"No," James winked at him. "I'm only messing. I have no idea what heist comes next. Let's enjoy these jewels first. We have enough to have the best feasts all year!"
Cataquack chirped at this, licking her beak in anticipation.
"Hold tight," said Cupid, increasing the blimp's speed. Lightning struck outside, thunder echoing all around them. "We're going into the eye of the storm!!"
Elvin screamed, Cataquack ducked under a cover and James clapped his hands with utter delight.

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by DarkRula » Wed Jul 10, 2019 11:31 pm

LightWanderer wrote:Please let me know how I can improve because I want to become a serious writer (even if the content for this particular story is fanfiction, I want it to read like an actual novel).


And it does. It very much does. The world is built up with a good description that sets the scene, getting a bit of history in there to further build on it. The characters are introduced in a natural way, and nothing about the story feels forced - including the references. The action is snappy, and overall reads well.

Remember - as long as you are consistent and cohesive in the structure of your world and its story, it will prove to be a good read. Everyone has different styles of writing, but they all work when the above is taken into account.

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by shy guy 64 » Wed Jul 10, 2019 11:51 pm

i think the best way to improve writing is to keep at it, and don't forget to go over it was youve finished

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by LightWanderer » Thu Jul 11, 2019 12:11 am

DarkRula wrote:
LightWanderer wrote:Please let me know how I can improve because I want to become a serious writer (even if the content for this particular story is fanfiction, I want it to read like an actual novel).


And it does. It very much does. The world is built up with a good description that sets the scene, getting a bit of history in there to further build on it. The characters are introduced in a natural way, and nothing about the story feels forced - including the references. The action is snappy, and overall reads well.

Remember - as long as you are consistent and cohesive in the structure of your world and its story, it will prove to be a good read. Everyone has different styles of writing, but they all work when the above is taken into account.


Man, this makes me so happy. Thank you!! I've literally been reading and rereading my extract for two hours (not an easy task considering I typed it all up on my phone in a Facebook post only I can see, my laptop is out of commission for now) and the more I read it the more I can't tell if it's any good or not, so thanks for saying it actually does read well. And thanks for saying what works in it.
The part I was most dreading about the extract is maybe spending too much time describing stuff and that disrupting the flow, but you like it so it isn't a problem. Thanks DarkRula!
And yes, I'll definitely remember to be consistent/cohesive going forward. Once my laptop is back up and running, I'm actually going to make the world of this story in Roblox (say what you will about the online/community parts of Roblox, the studio itself that doesn't have other players in it is a surprisingly intuitive, easy-to-use game engine for personal projects) An openworld version of the Mushroom Kingdom/Mushroom World, trying to figure out how everything fits when the world varies so much in the actual Mario games. That way I can recreate the story in the game engine and make sure everything is consistent. Lengthy project but given how much discrepancy is in each Mario game a pretty darn relevant one.

shy guy 64 wrote:i think the best way to improve writing is to keep at it, and don't forget to go over it was youve finished


This makes a lot of sense. I'm sure even the writers everyone looks up to and admires, like Stephen King, George RR, Darren Shan etc, wrote crap in their infancy but they kept at it. We all have to start somewhere.

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by shy guy 64 » Thu Jul 11, 2019 9:44 am

LightWanderer wrote:
shy guy 64 wrote:i think the best way to improve writing is to keep at it, and don't forget to go over it was youve finished


This makes a lot of sense. I'm sure even the writers everyone looks up to and admires, like Stephen King, George RR, Darren Shan etc, wrote crap in their infancy but they kept at it. We all have to start somewhere.


exactly everyone had to start some where

(though personally im not a fan of those three but its true of any writer)

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PostRe: The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing
by DarkRula » Thu Jul 11, 2019 9:56 am

LightWanderer wrote:Once my laptop is back up and running, I'm actually going to make the world of this story in Roblox (say what you will about the online/community parts of Roblox, the studio itself that doesn't have other players in it is a surprisingly intuitive, easy-to-use game engine for personal projects) An openworld version of the Mushroom Kingdom/Mushroom World, trying to figure out how everything fits when the world varies so much in the actual Mario games. That way I can recreate the story in the game engine and make sure everything is consistent. Lengthy project but given how much discrepancy is in each Mario game a pretty darn relevant one.


Sounds like a great project. Planning stuff like that always helps.

And don't worry about disrupting the flow if the stuff you're describing is important to the current point of the story.

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