The Writer's Sphere - Share your writing

DarkRula wrote:It certainly is a task, but definitely an enjoyable one.

Be great to see anything more you write if you decide to.

I've not finished part 2 yet, but am very close. Things are definitely flowing much easier for me now that I have a feel.

Part 2

Stepping into East Wing’s hallway, the doors closing behind him as he did, Jacob was surprised to discover that the automatic lighting system did not activate at his presence. This surprised him because in all his years working at the hospital they had never failed before. Reaching up Jacob waved his arms around in an attempt to encourage the lights to come into life, but as it was he remained in darkness. “That’s all I strawberry floating need!” he muttered to himself. Reaching for his radio he clicked the receiver button.

“Mike. Mike Over” Jacob said, pausing for a response. Nothing. Trying for a second time he was greeted only by a faint crackling sound.

On a third attempt he spoke into his radio in the hope that the fault might only be one way. “Mike, I think my radio is playing up, but if you can hear me the lighting system down here isn’t working. Over”

Still nothing.

“gooseberry fool!” Jacob cursed in frustration at the unexpected predicament he now found himself in. What compounded his bad luck was that there were only three of them working the shift that night, including James, so any chance of Mike leaving his duties to come to his aid was less than slim. For the time being Jacob was on his own. Clipping his radio back onto his trouser belt and taking out his mobile phone Jacob activated the built in torch. Unfortunately the phone’s torch only threw out a small beam a few feet away leaving Jacob to rely more on his knowledge of the layout of the hall that stretched into the darkness ahead of him.

Moving gingerly forward Jacob could make out some of the neatly placed chairs on the right side of the hall that were for patients awaiting treatment. On shining the light to his left he revealed the door to the Medical Eye Theatre. The hallway was deathly quiet as Jacob continued forward and the unease he had felt earlier had returned, although this time the sensation was more profound. Jacob considered giving up his search for a moment, but knew that his supervisor would not be happy if he returned without his colleague because he was ‘afraid of the dark’. Nevertheless, Jacob felt the hair on the back of his neck prickle as the feeling that something wasn’t quite right grew stronger with each step.

Casting the light back to his right the glare of the beam bounced off one of the many pictures that hung above the row of chairs. It was black & white photograph showing a bleak, woodland trail cloaked in the gloom of winter. The trail in the picture branched off into two sections, both of which were flanked by a row of closely knit trees, their leafless branches reaching upwards like hundreds of bony fingers in what appeared to be a futile attempt to claw down the sun. Who took the picture or how old it may have been could not be known, however Jacob had never particularly liked it and often wondered how such a gloomy photograph had found its way into what was essentially a place of care.

A small, sudden sound to the left of him caused Jacob to quickly spin the light around, seeking out the source. On one of the chairs a disposable, plastic coffee cup gently rolled back and forth in the curve of the seat, the remainder of the cup’s contents forming a small pool around it. “Jesus!” Jacob whispered to himself “Pull yourself together, man!” However, while he smiled at his own jumpiness Jacob could not ignore the fear slowly, but assuredly rising inside him. Turning to once more look at the photograph that hung on the wall next to him he noticed something he’d previously not seen before.

“What the f...”

On the far left side of one of the trails, just visible at the edge of the eerie looking trees, was what appeared to be someone or something draped in a white gown grimed with dirt and which looked very much like those worn by patients at the hospital. Squinting to try and better ascertain what he was looking at Jacob could then see that it was most definitely a ‘someone’ as the gown clinged to the now unmistakable form beneath it. More importantly Jacob could have sworn that it had not been there just a few moments ago. He found himself unable to swallow as his mouth became suddenly dry and his gut began to twist as though it were clamped in a vice.

Somewhere deep within the darkness of the hallway came a whisper

“She won’t let me go!”

Jacob spun in the direction of the voice, his heart now pounding in his chest, the hand holding his phone visibly shaking as fear took hold of him.

“James...th..th...this isn’t f...f...funny!” Jacob stammered loudly, his voice echoing through the hall, but he knew, deep within himself, that it wasn’t James.

Ooh, that's brilliant. The build up of scary goings-on building up that sense of dread and fear. The anticipation of wanting to know what happens next. A great second part.

For having not done any creative writing since school it's great! I liked this paragraph from the first part the most:

Some fifteen minutes or so had passed as he made his way down the long hallway found at the front of the hospital. Whether on his own or with a patient Jacob always marvelled at the incredible architecture on display when moving through this area, ‘They don’t make ‘em like this any more” was a common response from those patients who would indulge Jacob’s happy chit-chat regarding the history of his place of work. The high, arching ceiling was an intricate display of twisting vines and elegant flowers delicately carved into alabaster stone that spanned the length of the entire corridor. Every 30ft or so, and following the corridor across its length on either side, were a series of highly polished, jade green marble pillars that reached up to greet the immaculate ceiling above. On the front facing wall of the hallway large rectangular windows looked out across the Hospital’s main car park and onto the college playing fields across the road. On more pleasant days these large windows with their worn, ageing frames, allowed the sun to reach in and warm the polished tiles that made up the floor itself. Tonight, however, only a starless night of ominous grey clouds could be seen shifting slowly across the night sky. Jacob felt an unfamiliar unease as he made his way toward the eastern part of the site, a feeling that became more profound as he moved further down the grandiose old structure.

You use that almost unique-to-literature trick of describing the setting at a different time of day than the current to give a fuller idea of place (and relatedly, nice advancement of time at the start too). The descriptive language also fits the ornateness of the building being described, so it works well. Maybe my only criticism of the rest in general is that it sometimes strays into over-descriptive, not every sentence needs multiple clauses and not every object needs a list of adjectives and that richness of detail can work against dramatic moments where short and punchy sentences can help build the tension.

“Mike. Mike Over”

Read this like it was his second name in Bond-ish phrasing (which is really just my brain jumping to Airplane! jokes) :lol:

id read gemini but im not a fan of ghost stories. sorry

DarkRula wrote:Ooh, that's brilliant. The build up of scary goings-on building up that sense of dread and fear. The anticipation of wanting to know what happens next. A great second part.

Cheers. I'm quite sure the final part of this section will give your nightmares! :shifty:

I intend to make it a 4 part story, but I'll go with the flow. See what happens

shy guy 64 wrote:id read gemini but im not a fan of ghost stories. sorry

Of course, but more from a writing point of view I would appreciate your opinion.

OrangeMKN wrote:For having not done any creative writing since school it's great! I liked this paragraph from the first part the most:

Some fifteen minutes or so had passed as he made his way down the long hallway found at the front of the hospital. Whether on his own or with a patient Jacob always marvelled at the incredible architecture on display when moving through this area, ‘They don’t make ‘em like this any more” was a common response from those patients who would indulge Jacob’s happy chit-chat regarding the history of his place of work. The high, arching ceiling was an intricate display of twisting vines and elegant flowers delicately carved into alabaster stone that spanned the length of the entire corridor. Every 30ft or so, and following the corridor across its length on either side, were a series of highly polished, jade green marble pillars that reached up to greet the immaculate ceiling above. On the front facing wall of the hallway large rectangular windows looked out across the Hospital’s main car park and onto the college playing fields across the road. On more pleasant days these large windows with their worn, ageing frames, allowed the sun to reach in and warm the polished tiles that made up the floor itself. Tonight, however, only a starless night of ominous grey clouds could be seen shifting slowly across the night sky. Jacob felt an unfamiliar unease as he made his way toward the eastern part of the site, a feeling that became more profound as he moved further down the grandiose old structure.

You use that almost unique-to-literature trick of describing the setting at a different time of day than the current to give a fuller idea of place (and relatedly, nice advancement of time at the start too). The descriptive language also fits the ornateness of the building being described, so it works well. Maybe my only criticism of the rest in general is that it sometimes strays into over-descriptive, not every sentence needs multiple clauses and not every object needs a list of adjectives and that richness of detail can work against dramatic moments where short and punchy sentences can help build the tension.

“Mike. Mike Over”

Read this like it was his second name in Bond-ish phrasing (which is really just my brain jumping to Airplane! jokes)

Thank you. Your criticism is sound, more so because I have, on reflection, actually done creative writing since school but only in writing D&D scenarios which demands heavy description. As a friend of mine said while starting this project "Show, don't tell"

Keep the feedback coming, folks. It's very much appreciated.

A new year brings with it a new desire to write. Over the holiday period, I've been building myself back up to writing as part of a desire to push myself out of the feeling of entrapment I've found myself in this past year. So, as part of Shorts of the Rula, I present A New Year's Adventure. Follow the link or open the box below.

interesting read rula. slight quibble but it would be "having laid down" not "having lay down"

what was the inspiration behind it?

Ah, yes. That would be me confusing tenses again.

As for the inspiration, it's something I hope to do one day. Celebrate the new year from atop a hill. So I decided it'd make a good story and a good return to writing. Thanks for reading.

DarkRula wrote:Ah, yes. That would be me confusing tenses again.

As for the inspiration, it's something I hope to do one day. Celebrate the new year from atop a hill. So I decided it'd make a good story and a good return to writing. Thanks for reading.

sounds achievable

Indeed. One year in the near future, I'll be enjoying a new year celebration just as my characters have.

DarkRula wrote:Indeed. One year in the near future, I'll be enjoying a new year celebration just as my characters have.

I hope it doesn’t rain. And is warmer than those august nights I spent watching fire works on a hill as a kid

i wasnt joking by the way. those hills are cold

I'll be well prepared whenever I do go, so the cold shouldn't be an issue. Thanks for the warning, though.

random question, and apologies if ive asked this before, but how often do you guys write?

and yes im asking cause i keep seeing rula tweet things about not getting writing done

Guilty as charged on that one. But seriously, yeah. So many articles I missed out on writing just because I wasn't feeling up to it. And also that article on the 1:3:6 ruleset that kept getting delayed until it eventually arrived right at the end of the year. This year, I am set on doing even just an hour a day even if the focus is on articles rather than stories.I want this to be the best year for me as possible, which does mean the best articles and the best stories - with hopefully another one on the Kindle Store - across this year.

DarkRula wrote:Guilty as charged on that one. But seriously, yeah. So many articles I missed out on writing just because I wasn't feeling up to it. And also that article on the 1:3:6 ruleset that kept getting delayed until it eventually arrived right at the end of the year. This year, I am set on doing even just an hour a day even if the focus is on articles rather than stories.I want this to be the best year for me as possible, which does mean the best articles and the best stories - with hopefully another one on the Kindle Store - across this year.

thats a good plan, weave it into your routine and youll get loads done

Exactly. Let's see if I can hit the goal I'd had last year of at least five articles a month.

I'll go through bouts of lots of writing followed by long periods of none at all, there isn't really much consistency!

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