We're ever you beaten/smacked as a child?

Saint of Killers wrote:
Blue Eyes wrote:My dad threw me against the wall when he was trying to teach me to tie my shoelaces when I was very young and wasn't getting it straight away. He's a right banana split that bloke, sometimes.

strawberry float

And I thought I had it rough when my dad lost his patience and gave up trying to teach me maths, or how to tell time.

I think that was the only time he physically harmed me to be honest. There was quite a lot of emotional abuse though. He had an awful temper then and even though he's mellowed a bit he still does. He was probably feeling very inadequate then because he was unemployed and my mum was the only one bringing the money in. I remember when I was about 7 he told me he was going to do a job somewhere and I said to him "your job is to get drunk" and he absolutely flipped. To be honest I'm not sure I blame him for that one!

Gemini73

Dangerblade wrote:

That is pretty funny. :lol:

Man, what a head strawberry float.

Sorry to hear about your troubles Gemini man. How awful.

About the topic itself, my folks never hit me bar one occasion which sticks out in my mind, I think I was asking my mam for something and she was stressed cos the one and only time she hit me, she slapped me across the face and I tumbled over a chair, she was horrified with what she had done and bought me tons of lego toys for weeks after it happened. I joke about it with her now.

As for my own daughter, just like it's hard wired that I mechanically can't actually raise my hand to a girl or woman, I've never come near the urge to strike her at all. When she was 2 while picking her up to go to bed I dislocated one of her arms, we brought her to hospital and doc dude fixed it within a min but good lord I felt awful, it was a complete accident of course but yeah, it was horrible.

My dad used to raise his hands to me often enough to me that it was completely ineffective. Just used to end up laughing at him and running away to escape his grasp. Almost Simpsonsesque, really. Bastard used to do this squeezing-my-fingers-into-a-fist thing, which was actually agony, right enough.

My mum, though much less handy in general, was an absolutely terrifying prospect when she did actually dish out physical punishment. Full-on slaps about the face in whirlwind mode.

Really, though, nothing very significant when compared to what other poor kids received.

Gemini73

Thing is my parents aren't inherently bad people and have been very supportive of me in the past, they're just somewhat misguided in their world view and I do often feel resentment at how much I was hit as a child because "smacking was okay back then". Which of course is complete bollocks. I was very angry last night and having said some very hurtful things to them (because I often can't control my own emotions when I feeI pressured or cornered - something that once got me a deserved waring on these boards) I'm now concerned I may have dashed any chance of reconciliation. And they're not getting any younger. Yeah, this is bad and I feel very sad inside. Work is proving to be bloody tough today.

PostRe: We're ever you beaten as a child? by **mic** » Thu Mar 07, 2019 1:24 pm

Although never punched or kicked, I would be whipped for minutes at a time with an electrical cord, curtain wire, wet rope, bamboo - whatever they felt would inflict the most pain. I don’t hate my parents, because they’re a product of their environment (which I believe has its history in slavery).

To my regret, I went on to discipline my own children (although never with the same intensity or for the long duration), using perhaps a slipper on their bums and thighs. My wife and I would never do that now and have even apologised to them collectively.

Having said all that, my eldest is my height now and he can require... restraint, on occasion.

Gemini73 wrote:Thing is my parents aren't inherently bad people and have been very supportive of me in the past, they're just somewhat misguided in their world view and I do often feel resentment at how much I was hit as a child because "smacking was okay back then". Which of course is complete bollocks. I was very angry last night and having said some very hurtful things to them (because I often can't control my own emotions when I feeI pressured or cornered - something that once got me a deserved waring on these boards) I'm now concerned I may have dashed any chance of reconciliation. And they're not getting any younger. Yeah, this is bad and I feel very sad inside. Work is proving to be bloody tough today.

If you want to reconcile just tell them what you've just written. People make mistakes (I'm not say you've made a mistake) and other people usually understand that and forgive.

I guess I've never really thought about it but my mum used to hit me. When my brother and I were growing up it was with the wooden spoon if we weren't behaving. In my teenage years I would say it was excessive physical violence that would be considered GBH or something similar by the police, only ever on me though, not my brother.

I've never even considered it's impact on me, I do have trauma associated health problems but never linked the two before. I guess it's hard to quantify causation vs correlation for things like this on an individual level.

I don't have kids but I wouldn't hit them if I did.

Gemini73 wrote:...I'm now concerned I may have dashed any chance of reconciliation. And they're not getting any younger. Yeah, this is bad and I feel very sad inside. Work is proving to be bloody tough today.

Things were a bit different in the past. For clarity, I am not condoning, supporting or brushing over bad behaviours of bygone times, but sometimes it is difficult to be too judgemental about past acts by applying current thinking to historic situations and conditions. For even greater clarity, I do think the more modern, enlightened, non-physical methods of managing behaviour are better for all.

I personally know that feeling of having gone over-the-the-top (verbally) during one or two situations and, having recognised that during the subsequent cool-down time, I have then spoken again to try and achieve a better resolution. We don't have to agree on things all of the time, but sometimes the way in which we handle those instances doesn't turn out like we wanted it to.

I hope you can talk and gain an outcome that you're happy with, Gem.

I think I may have been smacked on the bottom a few times, I can't even remember why?

After that, the fear of being smacked was probably much worse than the action.

I do remember my mother being very cross at me for some reason and she threw one of my HE MAN figures at me (I can't remember the name of the figure, but his eyes would pop out). Anyway, the figure got broken when it hit me and I was quite upset by it. Mostly because my Dad has bought me this figure when I was very poorly and he rarely bought me toys out of the blue (money was tight when I was young).

When it comes to my children, the very thought of raising my hand to them just makes me sick. If I get so angry with them and they're not behaving, I tend to show disappointment in them. I'm not sure if what I doing it going to scar them in anyway. It really is quite a minefield when it comes to disciplining children.

Reading some of experiences that you've all suffered from is very sad to read.

I got the occasional smack on the bum if I was naughty but nothing more than that, more often than that my parents would either send me to my bedroom or ban me from watching TV or something like that.

Violence very rarely solves anything and I really feel sorry for anyone who's parents beat them as kids.

Yeah a smack was generally for fairly major incidents in our house, the general approach would be either getting sent to a room or deprived of something (TV, games, seeing friends etc.)

Yeah, I had the occasional slap on the arse. Personally, I don't see it as a bad thing that happened.

I think your situation in the OP is very very different though. A light smack and a beating are very different and I'm sorry to hear that it had happened to you.

I was never struck as a child and if I have any of my own I'll never strike them.

Violence is the answer only for people who aren't capable of using words.*

*don't hold me to this 100% of the time, e.g. when it comes to extreme examples of global diplomacy

Would love to see the Reset Era version of this thread.

I would want to teach a hypothetical child that violence is only to be used as a last resort to defend yourself. I think that's a solid moral guideline that helps you make decisions in your personal life, and naturally reinforces related principles (choose to be kind to other people whenever possible; don't get taken in by hateful political rhetoric; etc.).

I can't think of a worse way you could undermine that than to use violence as a punishment. I would really worry about what my child was actually learning if I smacked them. I concede it's possible to smack in a way that isn't per se cruel - if the punishment is in, like, the ritual, but the actual smack isn't hard enough to cause any real pain - but I feel even then it still imparts the wrong lesson.

Gemini73

Decided to send my parents a hand written letter explaining why I was so angry and disappointed. However, I have not pointed fingers, or pushed blame onto anyone, and I have offered an apology for losing my temper and expressed my love for them both.

I cannot change the past, but at the same time I must not let it consume me as I have clearly allowed it to. I certainly don't want to lose my parents over it.

I got one hiding off my mum (a few slaps on the arse and arm) which I'm pretty sure was warranted. I was so outraged she'd hit me that she never hit me again -although I never really have her reason to. My dad grabbed me by the scruff of the neck a couple of times when I'd scuffled with my younger brother. Not actually hit me though.
He'd shout at me and that was enough. Both my mum and dad grew up in rough areas in Manchester and were themselves beaten regularly by their parents. When they got angry that was sufficient. I was very similar.

Myself. Never hit my kids. Shouted at them when they've been very naughty but that's it.
Afterwards I'd sit and explain to them why.

My ex hit the kids. Smack on the hand or arse. The first time she did it to my daughter was the last time.

For me - once violence becomes an option for resolving conflict or behaviours then you're teaching your kids that violence is ok.

I got hit by my mum till about the age of ten when she realised I could hit back, and did. We got into a fight in my teens also. I also remember going into school with blood in my hair once because she's hit me in the head with a hairbrush when doing it for me because I'd been cheeky.

She has apologised for her behaviour, and we don't talk about it now. My grandad was a monster to her and her siblings, he'd chase them around the house with slippers, he'd belt them with his belt if he could get a hold of them. He was really vile to them, and when mum had me she didn't know how to properly discipline me. She'd been depressed for god knows how long. It doesn't excuse her behaviour in the slightest, but at least we know where it stems from.

I'd never put a finger on Ella. She hates it when I get mad at her though, apparently I look scary when I'm angry. I always try to talk to her afterwards to explain why I got mad though so she knows what she did wrong, and I always apologise. She's a really good kid and I'm lucky to have her.

Yeah my parents were/definitely still are banana splits. My mum, owning horses all her life, had a fondness for beating me and my younger brother with a horse whip as well slaps and digs. Never forget the full on beating I got from my dad for arguing with my brother and swearing, full on punches to a kid. Odd times I thought about suicide but those thoughts quickly vanished when I told myself I'd just be letting them win if i ever went down that road.

All stopped when I got bigger than them and I have nothing to do with my family now anyway, total gang of scummy rats.

I'd never dream of harming my daughter, I'll raise my voice or shout at her when shes being a nightmare which is enough. God help the person who does cause her physical harm though.

We're ever you beaten/smacked as a child?

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