I have a few times where I was at my lowest, one will always stick with me pretty hard out of them all. I've said before I had septic shock in the december of 2013, it was possibly the worst 2 weeks of my life so far.
I had neglected to look after my left leg properly and I'd bashed it a couple of times, cutting the skin. My brother was going through a break up at the time with his first serious girlfriend, and after we had had a good chat and made him feel a bit better I went to bed, only to wake up a couple of hours later. I felt the symptoms I'd had before of cellulitis and I rushed to the bathroom to be sick, only to find I could not get back up again. It was like my whole body was rooted to the floor.
The paramedics I had come take me to hospital were probably the worst paramedics I'd ever had. The bathroom was big but they refused to try and put me on a stretcher to take me to the ambulance so I had to be helped by my mother into the ambulance, which took forever as I felt so heavy, I slipped down the stairs on my way down, I was lucky it was near the bottom. In the ambulance I was told I could have paracetamol but it meant I could have no medication when I got to hospital. I refused, I just wanted to get there and get the medication I needed to get better.
I was in ICU for a week before being moved to a ward. I had a pipe in my neck so they could easily give me medication and take bloods without having to disturb me. I was asleep for a lot of it due to the morphine I was given, but when I was awake it was like a living nightmare. I wasn't hungry but one of the doctors said I had to eat so I had be fed through a tube, only for it to be removed a day later when one of the doctors was asking what the hell they were doing to me "(of course shes not hungry! Look how much medication shes on! Get that out if her now!). I had so many x-rays that I lost count. I've never felt so heavy either, every movement i made felt like I'd pulled every muscle in my body. It was the worst I've ever felt. I was also on oxygen for the first 2 nights. The nurses and doctors were excellent, I cant fault them at all, they tried so hard, I'll always be grateful to all of them.
It didnt help that there was a poor woman with diabetes in there who kept having hypos. She would be fine during the day but at night she would scream and hallucinate, kick, punch and bite the nurses and just be a nightmare for the night team. They were trying so hard but it didnt look like they were making much progress with her. I dont think any of the patients got much sleep during the night because of her. I just hope she improved and got her diabetes under control in the end.
I was moved to a ward after a week and I improved a lot. I struggled to walk because of being so ill at first but I got there. This week was a lot better but it still wasn't nice, I just wanted to go home and see Ella. She was 6 at the time, I missed her like mad but I told my family that they couldn't let her see me, I didnt want her to have any memories of me in hospital like that.
My partner at the time didnt visit even though we were engaged, friends I thought were close to me didnt even text me to see how I was, even though I was on death's door when I arrived there. It was the worst experience I'd ever had. I broke up with my partner not long after and met my current one who has been amazing throughout everything.
I've had cellulitis once since (not sure how I got it last time, I was looking after myself really well) and my hospital stay went a lot better.
I've got depression and I've had suicidal ideas in the past myself, but the thought of Ella growing up without me, the thought if moving forward with my life and improving things always pulls me out of them and gets me through, as well as having the love and support of my friends, family (well a couple of them) and my partner, it all gets me through my days.
Chatting to you all helps too, you have no idea how much this place (SONM beforehand) helps me. I can't thank you guys and gals enough for everything, even though it just seems like you're posting to a screen.
Edit: sorry for the long post, I feel like I'm GG