Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

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Robbo-92
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Robbo-92 » Wed Jul 10, 2024 7:10 pm

You'll think of somewhere Ad, even if it takes a while to think of the perfect place, you will.

I would say, don't feel like you have to scatter all of them as well, I know my grandma didn't want to scatter any of my grandads or aunts ashes, so they got buried in the garden (which when we had to sell the house after her death, meant we had to spend days just before the sale went through, digging up areas of the garden my dad thought he'd buried the ashes in), I also know people who have scattered some, had an internment of some and then kept some at home, whatever feels right.

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Johnny Ryall
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Johnny Ryall » Wed Jul 10, 2024 7:13 pm

Yeah there's no wrong answer and no unacceptable timeline mate

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Victor Mildew
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Victor Mildew » Wed Jul 10, 2024 9:39 pm

She did half jokingly say she wanted me to take her to Mexico again.

Currently she's with her flowers and our wedding photos.

Hexx wrote:Ad7 is older and balder than I thought.
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RetroCora
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by RetroCora » Thu Jul 11, 2024 11:02 am

Victor Mildew wrote:Got a call earlier to say her ashes are ready to collect. Really got no idea where I'm going to scatter them yet.


Others have said this but there's absolutely no rush to make a decision on this. My mum's still trying to think of a proper place to spread her parents' ashes and they've been gone for more than fifteen years. You'll spread them when, and if, it feels right to do so. Keep posting in here for now when you have thoughts about it. We'll all be happy to offer encouragement where needed mate.

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Tomous
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Tomous » Thu Jul 11, 2024 11:19 am

Yeah I agree with the above, do what feels right when it feels right. No rush.

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Victor Mildew
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Victor Mildew » Fri Jul 12, 2024 8:48 am

I had a dream last night that was reliving the build up to and the funeral itself, but in a dream way where things were a bit odd and different. I was really stressing in the dream and then woke up to see it was around 3am. Got to assume my mind saved me from that and woke me like waking from a nightmare.

Went for a meal with a friend and his family last night. It was very strange getting ready to go out, getting out of the shower and not seeing her getting ready, or smelling her nice perfume that I always said reminded me of mexico holidays (dior addict if you know it).

I'm looking at getting a new car, and I feel guilty about it which I know is just stupid, there's nothing to be guilty about. Still feels bad though.

Making a will at the moment, and it's hit me how I really have nobody to pass anything meaningful on to. Will probably asking some cash to various friends and distant relatives and then leave the rest to the hospice.

Got my counselling session on Tuesday, don't really know what to expect but I'm going to put a list of my hopes and fears together to give me something to articulate my current feelings and mental state.

Hexx wrote:Ad7 is older and balder than I thought.
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Qikz
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Qikz » Fri Jul 12, 2024 9:03 am

RetroCora wrote:
Victor Mildew wrote:Got a call earlier to say her ashes are ready to collect. Really got no idea where I'm going to scatter them yet.


Others have said this but there's absolutely no rush to make a decision on this. My mum's still trying to think of a proper place to spread her parents' ashes and they've been gone for more than fifteen years. You'll spread them when, and if, it feels right to do so. Keep posting in here for now when you have thoughts about it. We'll all be happy to offer encouragement where needed mate.


I couldn't even spread my Mum's ashes. I couldn't even handle the thought of having to look after them and find a good place so I got them spread (while I wasn't there as well) at the crematorium as I couldn't go through with it at all.

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Squinty
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Squinty » Fri Jul 12, 2024 9:05 am

Qikz wrote:
RetroCora wrote:
Victor Mildew wrote:Got a call earlier to say her ashes are ready to collect. Really got no idea where I'm going to scatter them yet.


Others have said this but there's absolutely no rush to make a decision on this. My mum's still trying to think of a proper place to spread her parents' ashes and they've been gone for more than fifteen years. You'll spread them when, and if, it feels right to do so. Keep posting in here for now when you have thoughts about it. We'll all be happy to offer encouragement where needed mate.


I couldn't even spread my Mum's ashes. I couldn't even handle the thought of having to look after them and find a good place so I got them spread (while I wasn't there as well) at the crematorium as I couldn't go through with it at all.


This is fine. I hope you don't feel bad about it because you really shouldn't. It's a difficult thing to process and decide.

Last edited by Squinty on Fri Jul 12, 2024 9:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Drumstick
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Drumstick » Fri Jul 12, 2024 9:08 am

Ad, we lost our daughter almost 3 years ago and still have her ashes. We're really not sure what to do, but we're not in a rush to make a decision. Take your time and make sure whatever you do decide is right for you and her.

Much love xx

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Qikz
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Qikz » Fri Jul 12, 2024 10:37 am

Squinty wrote:
Qikz wrote:
RetroCora wrote:
Victor Mildew wrote:Got a call earlier to say her ashes are ready to collect. Really got no idea where I'm going to scatter them yet.


Others have said this but there's absolutely no rush to make a decision on this. My mum's still trying to think of a proper place to spread her parents' ashes and they've been gone for more than fifteen years. You'll spread them when, and if, it feels right to do so. Keep posting in here for now when you have thoughts about it. We'll all be happy to offer encouragement where needed mate.


I couldn't even spread my Mum's ashes. I couldn't even handle the thought of having to look after them and find a good place so I got them spread (while I wasn't there as well) at the crematorium as I couldn't go through with it at all.


This is fine. I hope you don't feel bad about it because you really shouldn't. It's a difficult thing to process and decide.


I don't feel bad about it thankfully.

Hiding this as this is just how I view the situation and depending on how you were bought up it might be different and especially given the current situation I don't want to seem insensitive.

My Mum raised me very much in a way of the remains are just the remains, the person stays with you in your heart and mind with that being the important part. She did always say that she'd like her ashes scattered in Malta, but I realised there was no real chance I was ever going to be able to do that and I was more worried about accidentally dropping or losing the ashes in the attempt to do that, so I thought it'd be better just to leave it. I very rarely visit my other family members graves either, because to me they're not there anymore and I'd rather show them respect by thinking about them in happier places.

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Victor Mildew
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Victor Mildew » Fri Jul 12, 2024 10:41 am

Qikz wrote:
Squinty wrote:
Qikz wrote:
RetroCora wrote:
Victor Mildew wrote:Got a call earlier to say her ashes are ready to collect. Really got no idea where I'm going to scatter them yet.


Others have said this but there's absolutely no rush to make a decision on this. My mum's still trying to think of a proper place to spread her parents' ashes and they've been gone for more than fifteen years. You'll spread them when, and if, it feels right to do so. Keep posting in here for now when you have thoughts about it. We'll all be happy to offer encouragement where needed mate.


I couldn't even spread my Mum's ashes. I couldn't even handle the thought of having to look after them and find a good place so I got them spread (while I wasn't there as well) at the crematorium as I couldn't go through with it at all.


This is fine. I hope you don't feel bad about it because you really shouldn't. It's a difficult thing to process and decide.


I don't feel bad about it thankfully.

Hiding this as this is just how I view the situation and depending on how you were bought up it might be different and especially given the current situation I don't want to seem insensitive.

My Mum raised me very much in a way of the remains are just the remains, the person stays with you in your heart and mind with that being the important part. She did always say that she'd like her ashes scattered in Malta, but I realised there was no real chance I was ever going to be able to do that and I was more worried about accidentally dropping or losing the ashes in the attempt to do that, so I thought it'd be better just to leave it. I very rarely visit my other family members graves either, because to me they're not there anymore and I'd rather show them respect by thinking about them in happier places.


This is half my kind of thinking too.

Also maybe insensitive:
I'm not spiritual in any way, I don't believe in afterlifes or any religion, so to me once someone is gone they're gone.


I do however truly believe that no-one is truly gone as long as you remember and celebrate them in some way, and her ashes are more of an anchor to remember for me at the moment. Also it being her wish to have them somewhere I can visit is important to me to respect, whatever that form ends up taking and however long that takes.

Hexx wrote:Ad7 is older and balder than I thought.
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Johnny Ryall
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Johnny Ryall » Fri Jul 12, 2024 10:59 am

Drumstick wrote:Ad, we lost our daughter almost 3 years ago and still have her ashes. We're really not sure what to do, but we're not in a rush to make a decision. Take your time and make sure whatever you do decide is right for you and her.

Much love xx


I'm so sorry pal I never knew this happened.

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Victor Mildew
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Victor Mildew » Fri Jul 12, 2024 11:01 am

Yes I've pm'd about that drummy. Awful to hear.

Hexx wrote:Ad7 is older and balder than I thought.
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Jenuall
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Jenuall » Fri Jul 12, 2024 11:30 am

Drummy, that's awful so sorry to hear you had to go through that.

Ad, I think you're doing an amazing job of getting through what must be a truly difficult time - as others have said there is no right or wrong way to go about how you choose to deal with a loved ones remains, take your time and I'm sure you'll think of something fitting.


I always did like the Terry Pratchett quote regarding the span of someone's life:

No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested.

The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence.

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LewisD
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by LewisD » Fri Jul 12, 2024 11:47 am

Ah gooseberry fool dummy, I also never knew. Sorry pal :(

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aayl1
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by aayl1 » Fri Jul 12, 2024 1:34 pm

Would like to echo the sentiments here, incredibly sorry to hear you went through that Drummy. All the best.

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poshrule_uk
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by poshrule_uk » Fri Jul 12, 2024 1:54 pm

Victor Mildew wrote:
Qikz wrote:
Squinty wrote:
Qikz wrote:
RetroCora wrote:
Victor Mildew wrote:Got a call earlier to say her ashes are ready to collect. Really got no idea where I'm going to scatter them yet.


Others have said this but there's absolutely no rush to make a decision on this. My mum's still trying to think of a proper place to spread her parents' ashes and they've been gone for more than fifteen years. You'll spread them when, and if, it feels right to do so. Keep posting in here for now when you have thoughts about it. We'll all be happy to offer encouragement where needed mate.


I couldn't even spread my Mum's ashes. I couldn't even handle the thought of having to look after them and find a good place so I got them spread (while I wasn't there as well) at the crematorium as I couldn't go through with it at all.


This is fine. I hope you don't feel bad about it because you really shouldn't. It's a difficult thing to process and decide.


I don't feel bad about it thankfully.

Hiding this as this is just how I view the situation and depending on how you were bought up it might be different and especially given the current situation I don't want to seem insensitive.

My Mum raised me very much in a way of the remains are just the remains, the person stays with you in your heart and mind with that being the important part. She did always say that she'd like her ashes scattered in Malta, but I realised there was no real chance I was ever going to be able to do that and I was more worried about accidentally dropping or losing the ashes in the attempt to do that, so I thought it'd be better just to leave it. I very rarely visit my other family members graves either, because to me they're not there anymore and I'd rather show them respect by thinking about them in happier places.


This is half my kind of thinking too.

Also maybe insensitive:
I'm not spiritual in any way, I don't believe in afterlifes or any religion, so to me once someone is gone they're gone.


I do however truly believe that no-one is truly gone as long as you remember and celebrate them in some way, and her ashes are more of an anchor to remember for me at the moment. Also it being her wish to have them somewhere I can visit is important to me to respect, whatever that form ends up taking and however long that takes.


I believe you can turn ashes into jewellery which could be an option then she is always with you. I would also think you don't need to use all of them either so it probably doesn't need to be an all or nothing solution.

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LewisD
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by LewisD » Fri Jul 12, 2024 1:58 pm

Or, you can have ashes added to tattoo ink as well.

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Victor Mildew
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Victor Mildew » Sat Jul 13, 2024 1:18 pm

I booked that holiday with friends earlier. They're out for 7 nights and I'm joining them for 5. Straight after I'll also be doing something with friends around home for my birthday too. Nice to have something to look forward to like this.

Can't remember if I said, but I've got counselling with the hospice next week. Really feeling I need it now, or at least I need to talk to someone new about things, I can't keep offloading it all on to the same people. Yesterday was particularly tough, as soon as work finished it really hit me that she's not around, and it just carried on through to today and hasn't really stopped. Very bleak and empty feeling, but booking the holiday in really helped to just give a bit of distant focus.

Hexx wrote:Ad7 is older and balder than I thought.
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still
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by still » Sat Jul 13, 2024 1:43 pm

Victor Mildew wrote:I booked that holiday with friends earlier. They're out for 7 nights and I'm joining them for 5. Straight after I'll also be doing something with friends around home for my birthday too. Nice to have something to look forward to like this.

Can't remember if I said, but I've got counselling with the hospice next week. Really feeling I need it now, or at least I need to talk to someone new about things, I can't keep offloading it all on to the same people. Yesterday was particularly tough, as soon as work finished it really hit me that she's not around, and it just carried on through to today and hasn't really stopped. Very bleak and empty feeling, but booking the holiday in really helped to just give a bit of distant focus.


Hope the counselling goes well. They are great organisations; we always take things we no longer need etc to our local hospice shop. (Usually come away with a few purchases from them as well - often books.) Excellent that you’ve booked a holiday - like you say, a focus to look forward to. It sounds like you’ve got some great friends around you too.

Keep posting. (If you want to/need to anyway.) Hope the weekend isn’t too bad for you.


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