Relationships Thread

[SEP]

So, off to the "friend for two years then perhaps something more" girl 's tonight. Vague plan is to drive to a lake in the countryside, get a room somewhere and sightsee tomorrow.

Just to make it clear, when I said we hooked up it wasn't sex. We just ended up making out for ages and generally being a bit surprised at what was going on. Both of us. I'm still a little shocked.

Like I say, stay tuned for friend zone renewal, possibly mutual. It's all a bit Rachel and Joey at the moment.

Ready to turn that tattoo into a diamond?

/\

[Green Gecko]

My girlfriend's depressed, distracted and overworked. We have no friends we see regularly and I struggle to motivate myself as well. We're expecting things will get better when we move back to Brighton where at least some of my social circle is and I'll be minutes away from my job as well (instead of 2.5 hours and working from home which is isolated). I've held out in my uni town (and I mean town, there is nothing but a few good pubs here) for 2 years living together. I wanted to do an MA or go to an academy abroad but relationship both complicated this and I had no idea how to fund it.

She has little interest in sex when it used to be really good and my boner is dying, so the honeymoon period ended a long time ago. How do you guys deal with this kind of isolation? I guess since all my friends graduated and moved on (twice, as I did an extra year) I've just not made much effort to make new friends. I've met loads of people mostly through uni with her but they almost never go out anyway and I've not been inviting anyone around or making other arrangements like that. I could go to London more but it's expensive and I don't have much money working part time, which is partly down to wanting to do more things outside of work and because the stress of having no life was doing my head in (when I commuted 20 hours a week).

It's like everything falls down on the relationship and there's not enough other stuff in my life. I'm trying to get on with my own projects (which shouldn't be this difficult) and I used to run bands, make films, do exhibitions and tonnes of stuff. But I was also massively lonely.

I can't tell whether it's me, the relationship or my circumstances that's making me unhappy. My girlfriend is really sweet and sexy but doesn't know it, she has self esteem issues. I've tried so hard to change this but it's getting worse over time.

Am I just actually isolated in the relationship and I need more men (and women) in my life? We used to go out quite a bit and sort of flaunt ourselves a bit but that was early on. We lack a sense of pride and have no social status. I've totally lost my identity as an artist and musician within the local community (students mostly).

So yeah.. I don't think I've asked for input much at all over the years as I always blame myself but what do you guys think might be going on? Am I overthinking this and I just need to get a life?

And we have talked about this a lot.

[That's not a growth]

How often do you go out together or on dates?

[False]

I dont think I could cope with no regular poon action

[Scotticus Erroticus]

My girlfriend's depressed, distracted and overworked. We have no friends we see regularly and I struggle to motivate myself as well. We're expecting things will get better when we move back to Brighton where at least some of my social circle is and I'll be minutes away from my job as well (instead of 2.5 hours and working from home which is isolated). I've held out in my uni town (and I mean town, there is nothing but a few good pubs here) for 2 years living together. I wanted to do an MA or go to an academy abroad but relationship both complicated this and I had no idea how to fund it.

She has no interest in sex when it used to be really good and my boner is dying, so the honeymoon period ended a long time ago. How do you guys deal with this kind of isolation? I guess since all my friends graduated and moved on (twice, as I did an extra year) I've just not made much effort to make new friends. I've met loads of people mostly through uni with her but they almost never go out anyway and I've not been inviting anyone around or making other arrangements like that. I could go to London more but it's expensive and I don't have much money working part time, which is partly down to wanting to do more things outside of work and because the stress of having no life was doing my head in (when I commuted 20 hours a week).

It's like everything falls down on the relationship and there's not enough other stuff in my life. I'm trying to get on with my own projects (which shouldn't be this difficult) and I used to run bands, make films, do exhibitions and tonnes of stuff. But I was also massively lonely.

I can't tell whether it's me, the relationship or my circumstances that's making me unhappy. My girlfriend is really sweet and sexy but doesn't know it, she has self esteem issues. I've tried so hard to change this but it's getting worse over time.

Am I just actually isolated in the relationship and I need more men (and women) in my life? We used to go out quite a bit and sort of flaunt ourselves a bit but that was early on. We lack a sense of pride and have no social status. I've totally lost my identity as an artist and musician within the local community (students mostly).

So yeah.. I don't think I've asked for input much at all over the years as I always blame myself but what do you guys think might be going on? Am I overthinking this and I just need to get a life?

And we have talked about this a lot.

I think you probably hit the nail on the head in the second sentence. Once you guys back in Brighton I'm sure you'll gradually start feeling more confident with the world and more able to express yourself.

[Poser]

I think you probably hit the nail on the head in the second sentence. Once you guys back in Brighton I'm sure you'll gradually start feeling more confident with the world and more able to express yourself.

What Scotty's saying is, always look on the Brighton side of life.

[Green Gecko]

I used to play gigs in Brighton regularly and I'll easily be able to hire the several studios there (even weekly). There's so much better about living somewhere like that.

To survive here socially you have to be involved in the university or there's literally nothing to do. Plus she gets sick all the time so doesn't want to go out.

Re dates, I know this is a problem. There's not much else to do but dinner and pub. We went to cinema recently which was good, I just insisted that we go and told her we are going, didn't give an option. It felt fresh. Trouble is she is depressed and is not outgoing. On the other hand I always feel I should be outside, doing things, collaborating with others etc as that's what makes me smile and I'm actually very social like that. Just my network is kind of gone now. Sometimes I have felt like I just want to move on. Sign up to some random course or say strawberry float it I'm going to royal college or whatever. But that isn't a realistic option. Seriously once I flipped in the middle of the night and applied to an academy in Germany but that was when I was jobless and mental. We've got through all that, in just 4 month's time we will be moving back to my home and I can actually see my friends. It's going to have been 6 years!

The dating thing can be helped but doesn't really seem to address the lack of self esteem and passion..

[False]

Doesnt seem like youre a good match from what youre saying tbh

[Fatal Exception]

I used to play gigs in Brighton regularly and I'll easily be able to hire the several studios there (even weekly). There's so much better about living somewhere like that.

To survive here socially you have to be involved in the university or there's literally nothing to do. Plus she gets sick all the time so doesn't want to go out.

Re dates, I know this is a problem. There's not much else to do but dinner and pub. We went to cinema recently which was good, I just insisted that we go and told her we are going, didn't give an option. It felt fresh. Trouble is she is depressed and is not outgoing. On the other hand I always feel I should be outside, doing things, collaborating with others etc as that's what makes me smile and I'm actually very social like that. Just my network is kind of gone now. Sometimes I have felt like I just want to move on. Sign up to some random course or say strawberry float it I'm going to royal college or whatever. But that isn't a realistic option. Seriously once I flipped in the middle of the night and applied to an academy in Germany but that was when I was jobless and mental. We've got through all that, in just 4 month's time we will be moving back to my home and I can actually see my friends. It's going to have been 6 years!

The dating thing can be helped but doesn't really seem to address the lack of self esteem and passion..

Maybe you need to give her space. The relationship is probably doomed, but maybe give her a chance to miss you. From my experience in dealing with a (probably) depressed girlfriend anything you 'try' will just make it worse.

[Poser]

Maybe you need to give her space. The relationship is probably doomed, but maybe give her a chance to miss you. From my experience in dealing with a (probably) depressed girlfriend anything you 'try' will just make it worse.

^^^

I concur. A girl I went out with for four years (3.5 years too long, with hindsight) credited me with getting her off prozac, which she did within three weeks of meeting me. Just became incredibly needy in my direction instead.

Jealous, possessive, suspicious, neurotic... I became scared to leave her and only stayed with her because I felt sorry for her. Utter strawberry floating disaster.

Good job I didn't slip into a damn-near-identical relationship immediately afterwards, then, eh? (Not my current one, who is bloody brilliant).


tl;dr - even the normal women are mental enough. The properly mental ones are worth avoiding and cannot be fixed. IMO.

[Bunni]

That was absolutely us when we lived in paisley, I didn't know many people an both being students we were too poor to go on dates. We knew there would be a bright side, when we would be better off financially when I'd got a better job with more money, we could move to the nice part of town and I'd settled in a bit more. Evidently that's all happened and now were living the dream. The difference was, I knew there was a bright side coming and how we could achieve it. Decide what you want it life, how you can get it and you'll feel a lot better knowing you're working towards it. I had to sacrifice my education for a couple of years for the sake of having money and being a bit more stable/less stressed, but I'm okay with that knowing we've got a nice flat, I've got a great job and Anung is at uni where he wants to be, we're close to our friends, where there's lots to do and we've got money to do it. It was shitty for a while but we knew we'd get there in the end.

[Green Gecko]

Thanks bunni that sounds like a relevant scenario. She is doing good at uni, I'm supporting her and I have a secure job to roll out of bed too back in Brighton. I'll able to work more hours and also have a spare room for music and gaming (we have 2 room house at the mo). I gave her the choice and time to decide if she wanted to go to Brighton or not and she thinks it's a good idea for her career prospects and our social life. I'm glad she made that choice. Otherwise it would have to be near London and I would probably go back to uni and fund an MA... Somehow.

Re relationship being doomed, well I'm obviously working with this one because, I'm trying to be objective here, but we're a massive fit, love gaming together, films, both photographers/artists, both top grade guitarists (although she can't play anymore for medical reasons), comfortable being weird around each other and share lots of affection.. Just no regular sex anymore, which didn't used to be the case. She puts it down to being more stressed than she's ever been in final year at uni.. But if I'm stressed, I generally want more sex to take off the edge like and embroil passion in something that isn't strawberry floating complicated in the outside world. Used to be simple.

Btw when I say I'm social, I'm a terrible introvert, but as soon as I get outside and get going I won't stop talking and can hold a crowd easy, I'm an performer I guess. I've kinda lost my balls, just so bored of this place. I want to go back somewhere where art and music is actually engrained in the culture and doesn't just happen within an institution that decided to move here sometime in the 70s and is otherwise totally out of place. This isn't like going to art school in London. The whole point of uni for me was being part of network and I was basically famous for all these cool interactive audio things I installed on the campus, I ran an open mic night so people knew me.

It's the getting out part that's hard, like we are way too comfortable. I think when you get isolated like this, your relationship suffers because you have nothing else to fit into and you become complacent.

Re giving space FE, I think you're right, I should just spend my little disposable income (talking squids a month) on visiting my friends in London (only 50 mins away) and maybe get involved with another exhibition up there. I need to get off my ass and enjoy my own time and money I've earnt being successful in my job. It's like square 1 again but level 2.. Need some more goals in life.

Maybe I don't appear as someone who's pushing and improving and doing cool things anymore. I definitely seemed that way when we met because I was on a roll at uni. Used to jump on me for just singing or getting a crowd together over some cool project.

Oh and she's no way near mental, just depressed. Totally sound in mind, sage, caring, but a bit resigned. We have to talk things out. No crazy blaming me or flipping out, literally never done that. I don't get any gooseberry fool at all, if anything she puts up with me.

[Rocsteady]

I dont think I could cope with no regular poon action

Had a feeling that response was coming from you.

Must be tough though like, have been thinking about that a bit as although I'm still having sex pretty much every day with the gf it is dying down slightly and every relationship comes to the point where the sex properly dries up doesn't it? I've never waited long enough to find out.

Could always drop some pills, would probably do strawberry float all in the long run but could have a fun night

Yeah -- I just took some Ecstasy
Ain't no tellin what the side effects could be
All these fine bitches equal sex to me
plus I got this bad bitch layin next to me
No doubt, sit back on the couch
Pants down, rubber on, set to turn that ass out
Laid the bitch out, then I put it in her mouth
Pulled out, nutted on a towel and passed out

Romantic.

[Green Gecko]

I can confirm it does happen.

And it's hard to contain your manliness, she is hot and I want to bone her, my lizard brain just doesn't understand.

But then more important love stuff supposedly happens, which is also true, but I'm young and horny and my body is ready.

I sometimes wonder if young people get married because they don't know what to do next. You encounter more and more challenges as you grow up, people settle down etc. I feel like that guy in Juno.

[False]

Ive been with a few girls casually who have been cheated on. Im always like.. what? Who would cheat on you?

But then when you think about it, if the poon dries up from some gorgeous girl you've got to get the action somewhere.

Theres a few chicks I wouldnt mind making permanent, but they are just closed off on the idea of a relationship now because 'men arent supposed to be with one woman'. Ive heard that a few times now, and it seems great at first but sours when you realise that she is probably going to spend her life miserable having been cheated on in the past and only going to be used casually in the future.

Women.

[Green Gecko]

You say that but part of you wants locked down sex. Not quite the reality though. That's where the love part comes in and yes, it is possible to do with less sex because it does become less important. I do think it's part of a healthy relationship though, unless you're asexual in which case shut up about that.

Oh god I just remembered that 'fedora-wearing misogynist' guy.

[False]

I dont think it is possible to do without. I feel like I need it sometimes, like I properly badly crave it.

But I am now very bored of the whole 'chase' aspect. I do need to get one on lockdown to give me the action on the reg with little to no effort.

[Fade]

Ive been with a few girls casually who have been cheated on. Im always like.. what? Who would cheat on you?

But then when you think about it, if the poon dries up from some gorgeous girl you've got to get the action somewhere.

Theres a few chicks I wouldnt mind making permanent, but they are just closed off on the idea of a relationship now because 'men arent supposed to be with one woman'. Ive heard that a few times now, and it seems great at first but sours when you realise that she is probably going to spend her life miserable having been cheated on in the past and only going to be used casually in the future.

Women.

This is a really ironic post.

[False]

Go on

[Poser]

Go on

Y'know: like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.